IRONMAN FLORIDA TRACKING@!!!!

I can't believe it is here again!! Here is a link to track me on Saturday:

http://ironman.com/events/ironman/florida/?show=tracker&y=2009

the actual tracking of 2009 won't be available until raceday. My race number/bib number is #2405!!!

Im so nervous and excited. Thoughts and fears from last years failed attempt keep coming up and I keep trying to convince myself that Im ready!! I trained hard and trained long and did everything I could to get ready...now its just going to come down to a little luck, hope, and determination.

Just so you know whether I am having a really good day or a horrible day these are my estimated times:

SWIM:
GOOD = 1:15 AND BELOW
JUST FINISH: 1:20+

BIKE:
GOOD = 6:30 AND UNDER
JUST FINISH 7:00+

RUN:
GOOD= 6:00 AND UNDER
JUST FINISH = 6:00 + ALL THE WAY TO TOTAL ALLOTED TIME OF 17 HOURS OR MIDNIGHT CUT OFF.

Please let me be brave in the attempt.


"Each day I live
I want to be
A day to give
The best of me
I'm only one
But not alone
My finest day
Is yet unknown

I broke my heart
Fought every gain
To taste the sweet
I face the pain
I rise and fall
Yet through it all
This much remains

I want one moment in time
When I'm more than I thought I could be
When all of my dreams are a heartbeat away
And the answers are all up to me
Give me one moment in time
When I'm racing with destiny
Then in that one moment of time
I will feel
I will feel eternity"

Haleakala Volcano "House of the Sun"

"You have not tasted success until you have succeeded at something you truly thought not possible."

Stretching across east Maui, Haleakala National Park is home to Haleakala Crater, an active, but not currently erupting volcano, and Maui's highest peak. Rising over 10,000 feet above sea level, Haleakala's graceful slopes can be seen from just about any point on the island. Haleakala means "House of the sun" in Hawaiian, and legend has it that the demigod Maui lassoed the sun itself from its summit to slow the sun's journey across the skies. There are plenty of bike tours DOWN THE VOLCANO, but didnt see one for going up!.> why not? :)




What can I say? I can't believe I actually did it!!??? If I woke up tomorrow with my head on backwards... I wouldn't be more surprised than I am now. It's not because I'm a negative person, quite opposite... It is because of past experience of climbing hills. Just ask Dan, I can barely ride up small hills without extreme pain, whining and shortness of breathe... so the real question is, if I am horrible on hills, WHY DID I EVEN ATTEMPT TO BIKE UP a 10,000 foot volcano????????????

thats me at the start..... and i was very nervous and hoped that my little grasshopper legs would be good today. don'task me why I wanted to do it in the first place. I get these wild ideas and don't know how to turn them off!! haha... anyhoo, I woke up with extreme jitters.... i look over the map and I count all the switchbacks. I think that if I could make it to the Park Headquarters at 7000 feet that would be awesome!! The summit is 10,000 feet and the likelihood of me making it was slim to none. Dan said if I biked to the top a pig would fly. I shared that belief!!!! The only "mountain" ive climbed on my bike is Bear Mountain and thats only 6 miles up and 1,284 ft tall.... haha. I just looked up that elevation and I remember that I used to think that was hard to climb... doesnt that say enough of my climbing abilities??






I start climbing on my bike and the weather was cool, and cloudy, seemed perfect that I woudn't have to battle heat. The first 10 minutes were hard!! Normally it takes me 30 minutes to get warm and I never start on a hill!! It felt like my heart was going to jump out of my chest. So I stopped for 1 minute to let it go back down. Decided that was my new plan.... every few switchbacks, I would take a breather. I told Dan and his dad who were in the van that I wanted to do at least 1 hour if not 2 so I couldn't stop less than that. After 40 minutes I started to get in a groove. I was at 4000 feet and they had open cow fields and these cows just started to cross the road in front of me and I giggled....they were so cute! I thought that maybe this was cow heaven where they can roam in the clouds. Then I thought if I had to pee they would see the 'moon' and jump over me.. ;) I called and they were eating breakfast at this lodge and told them to buy me some coke because I was having fun... FUN????!!??? I was actually having fun. I never have fun on hills. Everytime I passed a new elevation sign, it made me happy. I reached 5000 feet and groaned. I only have 2 more thousand to get to the park entrance, and than 5k to the summit. So, I just jammed to my ipod and stopped thinking about how much farther, and focused on how far I've gone. Just make it to the next 1000. I passed more cows, and started to pass through the clouds and that was so cool!! I was biking above clouds and it was an amazing feeling. One funny bit was when all these speeding bikers who come flying down the volcano, some look like they are having fun, and others, look scared to death! I saw all these adds for biking down the volcano, but none for going up??? WHY NOT?????? i cant be the only daft one who wants to climb. I decided mine was more fun, or maybe it was the change in altitude. ? It was a strange thing for me to admit that I would rather bike UP instead of down... weird!!! But i didnt want to squeeze the brakes all the way down, especially on a bike that I dont know.



I kept going up all the switchbacks that seem to go on forever, hoping that i would get a little downhill or flat to get some relief, but there were all UPS. Dan says to me all the time, "it is all downhill..................... except for the uphills".. yeah...right. :)


I passed the sign for 6500 feet!! I was so close to the entrance...i can make it!! so i keep going and going and going.... The scenery was changing again and the pine trees and luckily i had my ipod because i would have sung christmas songs...blech!





So I see the sign and Dan is there with his camera.. I made it to 7,000!! Higher than I have been on my bike... but it doesnt seem enough? why? oh why? Im tired!!!! Then 1 dude was coming down on his bike. He biked to the top and he was on his way down. He says the rest of the way is the worst!! And then he said something that stuck in my head... "You did good getting this far" .... excuse me?? For some reason it seemed like he didnt think i could make it and i should just stop!!!! Screw that, I can go a little more. I decided i was going to try for 8000 feet. What is the worst that could happen?? Dan gives me the ice cold coke..... COKE... mmmmmmmmm. so i continue on... and the coke gave me a huge surge!! or maybe it was the lack of oxygen gettin to me or the fact that i am going further than i thought i would??





The only problem is IT WAS GETTING REALLY HARD. Was climbing more elevation in smaller amount of switchbacks... It seemed like it was getting really steep and my legs were getting jelloie. I wondered if i could make it any further? Then I slowly creep up on 8000 feet!! whew! i made it! it was like XMAS where you keep getting presents except you have to work to get. All this time I thought it was like biking to heaven, but was starting to think it was hell with a pretty package until you get to the volcano bit which is hell in disguise. I was beginning to think that maybe i did die or was in a coma..how else can you explain me geting to 8000 feet??? Dan told me that I only had 1 switchback before 9000 feet, and it was way longer!!! It seemed to go on forever and i climbed 1000 feet in this supposed switchback. Stupid switchback...(*&Q@(#!@@!!@@@! now that is the climbing girl that i know!! grumpy/





then I reach 9000...woohoo!! Im starting to really feel lighthead, uncoordinated, and find it hard to breathe. I hallucinated to and thought i saw a cow on the ledge jumping off to commit suicide but it was just a big brown rock or a poop or something..haha. i felt like i was drunk trying to bike in a straight line.







Then i passed the lookout at 9300 and kept going to 9700 feet where the visitor center #2 is...why its not at the summit I dont know. That means I only have 300 huge feet to the summit! could i make it? i feel like i could collapse and die from emphasema. I just cant breathe and it makes me really happy i never smoked.












the last 300 hundred feet was the hardest! I couldn't breathe and my legs just didnt want to move. My body was screaming STOP and my mind was saying never!










Puff puff, wheeze wheeze,and i huff and Ipuff and i couldnt blow any house down. Where is that flying pig??????????? BECAUSE I JUST SUMMITTED!!! I JUST BIKED UP 10,000 FEET!!!!!////?????????????? Holy cow!! yay!!!!!!!!!! The sign that says to walk slowly at this elevation cracks me up!!!!! surprised i didnt see a pig.. felt high as a kite!

I could just roll around on the crater laughing if i had the energy. Im shaking, and shaking and can barely stand up... ha ha ha. That is the coolest thing i have done on my bike.... possibly the coolest thing i have ever done... that and run the marathon with EM. It took me 4 hours to bike to the top. 4 hours of pure torturous climbing. Thought it would never end.... but the most surprising part... was that I enjoyed it!! ???especially the finishing bit...haha. Today, during Kate versus big hill....... KATE WON. Haleakala volcano, the house of the sun, will always have a special place in my heart. Kind of fitting that its the 'house of the sun'.



Maybe, just maybe, the Ironman will be possible now? That sometimes, when the odds are completely against you, and no one, not even yourself, fully believe that its possible, and then a miracle happens. When all your hard work and hopes and determination seem to come together. Maybe? all my training and pain, and horrible bike rides and painful runs and heartache of last years IM attempt will make it possible? i know its the journey not the end that makes it worth it, and I have enjoyed it, most of it at least. but it still would be nice to step across that finish line. And maybe that is why i did this crazy bike the volcano thing, to have some confidence to bring to the Ironman? who knows, but im glad i did!!! in 35 days, I will try the IM again... can't wait!


"Once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return."

Hawaii fun

"Our truest life is when we are in dreams awake"

It was always a dream of mine to go to Hawaii. And now it came true! It really it a magical place and every island was differen and special in its own way.

We started off with our nice extremely long flight to Oahu and with the 6 hour time change... my feet were killing me! I was not a happy camper because of the pain. As we drove through Honolulu I was not impressed...not what I imagined Hawaii to be?? Then we arrived at Waikiki Beach and there were so many fancy stores that I thought we were in NY still with palm trees and a beach. It is just as crowded with tourists as NYC. ? The next day we spent on the beach, and I enjoyed open water swimming and drinking fufu drinks with pineapple and cherries. On Sunday I went running to Diamondhead mountain/crater, and it was so beautiful! I loved the fact that it was right by the shore and there were lots of people out running. I decided if I were to live on this island, this is where I would be.




After a few days, we were on our way to Kauai. This island is what I imagined Hawaii to be. It was lush and beautiful and not commercialized as Oahu. We stayed at the Sheraton and the beach was beautiful. The first time I went swimming, the swells were huge, and I got caught in this riptide that was pulling me out to sea or into the rocks. I will admit, I was scared, but just did I what Iwas supposed to and not try to fight the current, and somehow managed back in. The next day I went swimming and it was more gentle and I saw Tommie the turtle. I swam with him for a bit and decided I could get used to it. I rented the first bike and it was a Raleigh road bike, nothing special and named it smurf. I woke up early and bike 20 miles to the start of the Waimea Canyon. The Canyon was 10 miles up and close to 4000 feet, and then continued on another 8 miles to the very top. Biking in Kauai was interesting and not exactly the safest thing. I was surprised at how many wild roosters there were? thought they were going to poke out my eyeballs. I make it to the bottom of the canyon and I was already hot... this was not going to be fun climbing this thing! Luckily Dan and his dad had the van and could pick me up if needed. Once you get to the canyon, its beautiful. It is the grand canyon of Hawaii. They had this coconut stand and had dried sweet coconut and coconut taffy candy. Dan's dad said they looked like maggots and slugs, but they tasted really good!
The next day we had a crazy adventure. First, Dan's dad and I went up in the sky in a microflight plane. A cross between hang gliding and engine flying. Dan's dad was petrified because of the extreme wind, but I thought it was great fun!

After flying, we all went on this water rafting trip that we had to hold on or be tossed out of the boat! It was crazy. It would have been more fun if I hadnt just had appendix surgery and it was starting to ache. We did see some wild dolphins!! they were so cute!!!

Lets just say after 5 hours of being bouced around on a raft and rope burns on my hands, I was ready to be off. Been on all sorts of boats, and that was insane!

The next day we fly to Kona. I was really excited to go there because of the volcano, the devastation from lava (similar to my life and EM)...haha, and of course where the Ironman World Championship is. When we were driving to the hotel, we drove on the queen K highway (bike route) and there were black billy goats!!!!!! I LOVE THEM...they were so cute! BILLY came out to see me on my bike rides. Ialso got a kick out of the donkey crossing sign, but never saw a donkey. :(

they had a nice calm beach there and places to snorkel. I did lots of swim training there and could see fish and coral.

I rented bike #2 which was a cannondale road bike that was too big for me and had a lay back seat which means the front bit pointed up, and it was very owie!!!!!!But I road south on the queen k for 3 hours the first day. The second day Iwent 60 miles up north and ended up going over this mountain range and it was hard!!!! but maybe im getting better at hills?????? I called this bike, Mr Ed. I got a kick out of biking by all the white rock messages in the lava.

i also did some running and there was this black lava path to run/walk on. It was very hot and desolate during the rides and runs though.

At the marriot in kona they had this amazing pool called the infinity pool and it made you feel like you could just swim off the edge of the world.

I wish I had a pool like this i could swim in every day!!!

We drove to the Ironman swim start and finish just so I could see it. Maybe some day I will race it. I just have a feeling I will someday. I will be back!!

we went on this night scuba dive to see Manta Rays!!! It was scary to me to descend in the dark...what if you get lost, or run out of air and cant find your buddy, what if a shark gets you? when you get to the bottom of the ocean with your torch and the manta rays swimming above you, its an incredible experience that i will never forget. I wish i could have had some pictures but you would need an expensive camera to get one that was good. The boat ride was nice too because we saw the sunset.

we drove up the active volcano park and saw the black sand beach which was weird. The strangest bit was the closer i got to the volcano, the hotter my feet burned!!!?? It was very sharp and must have a connection with the goddess Pele and the burning lava. Guess i have my own inner volcano.
It was awesome to see the lava and wished we could have seen the actual lava, but it was a long walk and it was pouring and my feet were killing me!!!

said our goodbyes to kona and left for our last island.... Maui

Maui was beautiful as well.

The ocean was amazing and so clear. Tommie must have swam there, because he was there!!! :) It was like swimming in an aquarium.

I biked up North over these insane cliffs in the rain and it was incredibly slippery . I can't believe I am doing all this climbing on my bike?????????? see later post about Haleakala Volcano bike ride. :) I love it!

I had so much fun in hawaii, and so many more pictures but would take forever to upload... :) didnt want to go home!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I would love to go back someday, and if you ever have a chance to go, you should do it.

"if you aren't living on the edge, you are taking up too much room"

Easy breezy, lemon squeezy

"Act as if it were impossible to fail and it will be"

On Saturday, Dan and I biked 100 miles to Bear Mountain and back. It has been a year since we have done it, and I did much better than last year!! The further you get out of Manhattan, the hillier it seems to get... especially Bear Mountain... haha but it is called a mountain for a reason!!! dan is a much better hill climber than me, and sometimes it gets annoying when I get to the top, and I'm out of breath, and he just gives me a smile... arg! or when we are climbing and I yell at him "where is the freaking top?????!@@#!! this is stupid, it goes on forever...@#$$^^&#@@!!!!! and he says that we are almost there, and I mumble @@@!#$^^&&^&#$!!!!!!**&!@! you suck. :) I feel bad that I am so slow compared to him, but its not from lack of trying. I also feel bad for cursing at him sometimes that Im not even sure he hears, but he can climb hills like its a fricken walk in the park!!! its so not fair! So i told him after the next big hill to stop and take a picture of me.

Here I come, smiling for some reason?? Maybe im smiling at how ridiculous i must seem to him... all my cursing and whining... and yet, I dragged him on this ride in the first place!!???? I must be insane.

Usually at least once and up to 10 times, I wonder why the frick i am doing this... and why I dont just stop and take up knitting or something...

then I think of the 1 reason why I am....

and the fact that I hate knitting and couldnt do it anyways because of manual dexterity problems, but nevermind...

so I say to myself, again, to suck it up princess!

there I am passing by sticking my tongue out as i pass... the one thing I am good at on a hill... haha

do these shorts make my butt look fast????

there I go where he can see my ass in front of him for once on a climb.. :)

do they have an Ironman race that is all downhill???? I guess Florida has the flattest course.... kick ass!! so why am I on hills??????????? why/???/ haha.. I hate riding my bike!!!!! sometimes.. on a hill...

Poor Poodle. She is getting some new tires when I get back from Hawaii...did I mention Hawaii??? Going to hawaii on Friday!!

I think the French Poodle likes climbing hills like I do ....she is hand made in France, and curses at me in french I dont wanna shift gears so my chain will fall off or make an annoying clunking/clicking noise that I have translated to: i hate you woman!! why are you riding me???

guess it is love all around!

I think only someone with EM could truly understand what it feels like.... they say that climbing hills is mainly mental... but even if I truly believed I was a "lance armstrong" type climer, I would still suck!! I can't seem to get enough air, and sometimes you can hear the wheezing in my lungs, and I can physically feel the constriction in my lungs and my legs aren't getting any air and I just want to curse and scream at the bloody hill.... but like always, my scream gets lost in a paper cup, and Dan tells me to suck it up princess... : ) it sounds weird for him to tell me that for some reason.... think the version in my head doesnt have a British accent!! haha... :)

he doesnt even look like he broke a sweat!!???? haha/..... but this amazing climbing machine has climbed the fricking French Alps... ... much different than good ole Nebraska!/? the only mountain in NE is the brownie ice cream sundae mountain that I devoured with immense pleasure for once.

but I did it! and minus a few cursing sessions, I didnt bonk or cry or want to ride my bike off the road.

The scenery there is just beautiful, there are lakes around the mountain, and we ride by the water several times. We stopped briefly at the lake where I ate a PB & honey sandwich and some potato chips for the salt. We are definetely not in Nebraska anymore ToTo. Sometimes, I wish they had a path like they have in Omaha, where you can ride for 100 miles on a flat, no car, bike path that is almost empty and nothing like the west side path where you almost crash into some idiot. And no one seems to notice that there are other people on this path, but that is a whole other story.

mmmmmmmmmmm COKE! seriously, nothing better that a nice cold coke for a pick me up at mile 75. :) i should be an ad for them! :)

But, I guess this will help me? Can an EM girl get better at climbing? Can my determination beat genetics?? I have at least 2 more century rides left and i am curious to see if I can improve. SO stay tuned for:

KATE VS. HILLS round 2 and 3 :)

And maybe this struggle will help me in the IM where Im sure I am going to struggle. So tonight, maybe I will lay in bed, imagining I have the polka dot jersey because I am an incredible climber or that I won a billion dollars and changed my legs to super climbing things and see if it helps?? One can only hope..... oh and for the race i need to learn how to pee in my shorts on the bike as well.. maybe when Im passing Dan on a downhill?????? haha! Just kidding... or am i?

"You can't really be strong until you see a funny side to things."

Might as well be playing Tiddly-Winks

"Don't be stupid, you can't do that."
"Yes I can, anything is possible."
"We told you that you couldn't do it."
"At least I tried, you bastards."

Had a surprising last 2 days of training. ? Yesterday, I rode for 4 hours 45 minutes, with a 45 minute brick immediately following. The bike started out painful, just plotted along and an hour into the ride, I GOT A FLAT!!! are you kidding me? thats about right. Figures, I am by myself trying to ride long. Ok Princess, lets fix this b*tch. So i pull out the whatchamacallits and the widgets and gadget thingymabobbys and try. I got the wheel off ok, and i couldnt get the tire off!!!! I try and I try, and its not that Im a wimp, I just don't have the manual dexterity in my hands. When you have had extreme pain in your hands for many years, your hands dont work quite right. I can't open jars, and I cant seem to take the tire off the rim!! several cyclists ask the polite, are you ok as they zip on by. I am determined to do this myself !!!! arg !! Just another thing to remind me I have EM> But i need to do this if it happens in my race again. Last time it took me over 20 minutes to fix it. So finally, ridiculously finally, I got it off! I put the new tube in and put the tire back on , and used my CO2 cartridge because I forgot my pump.. haha I put the wheel back on the bike, got on my bike, went about 10 feet and almost crashed into a truck because my wheel locked up. Got off the bike, and my brake was snagged in my tire and the tire looked like it was going to burst with the bulging tube. Ah f)Q*&$0!@#@!%@#Y^$^ ... so, I have to do it ALL OVER AGAIN. .. still with no pump. Luckily my guardian angel for the day, stops and helps me align the stubborn tube and he has a pump!! He finishes it for me and heads back on his way.. what a great guy! he actually gave me an extra CO2 cartridge and some advice to carry a pump...! hope he has some great karma coming his way. Im still slightly embarrassed with my flat changing ability... and get back on my merry way and go into a small town to their bike shop and get a new tube and stuff cause with my luck, ill get another flat. The funny thing is, I feel great now.. new confidence and new excitement for my ride... then as i was riding along, a manure truck drove by, and a pile of sh*t flew off the truck and hit me smack in the face... @*&@%#*&@*&@$ it was so gross I had to throw up a little. Made me feel I was back in Nebraska. Kept going and laughing.. what a bike this has turned out to be! and the GWB south was closed, so to get back to Manhattan, you have to carry your bike up and down a gazillion stairs... with jello legs and cleats!!!!!!!! Finished my 4:45 somehow..completely exhausted and wondering how im going to run. So I put on my sandals, grabbed a bite of chocolate, and some salty baked lays.... yum and went running. Trotted along and I actually had a great run???? huh//? kept expecting a pig to fly by.... does a guy walking his pot belly pig count?/ Stopped myself at 45 minutes which was 15 minutes longer than my plan... and i remembered i was supposed to run 2:20 the next day. Got back and stuffed my face... was soooooooooooooooooooooooo hungry.

Today I ran my 2:20. It was long and slow and felt tired from the day before. Think it must be manure week because on the path were 10 cops on horses poooooing all over the bike/run path!! so once again had to smell it. Made me slightly irritated. If the cops make people curb and clean up after their dogs, they should have to curb/clean after their horse!!!!!! The last hour was better than the first though, but I was glad to stroll home. Impressed with myself, and totally exhausted, laid down for a nice lng nap. One week closer to my Ironman, and another week where Kate battled EM.....and this week: KATE WON ! :)

"To be a cyclist is to be a student of pain....at cycling's core lies pain, hard and bitter as the pit inside a juicy peach. It doesn't matter if you're sprinting for an Olympic medal, a town sign, a trailhead, or the rest stop with the homemade brownies. If you never confront pain, you're missing the essence of the sport. Without pain, there's no adversity. Without adversity, no challenge. Without challenge, no improvement. No improvement, no sense of accomplishment and no deep-down joy. Might as well be playing Tiddly-Winks."

If all else fails... stop using all else!

"There is no telling how many miles you will have to run while chasing a dream"

Well it has been 2 weeks since my surgery, and I'm finally able to do things. I still have pain, but it is an uncomfortable pain versus stabbing shooting pain, and I'm used to being uncomfortable because of EM. What I've learned since the surgery, is that I love my ab muscles... and I miss using them. You dont realize how much you use them until you cant....and i use mine all the time!

I went riding for 50 miles on Sunday, and I did pretty well considering... the hills felt like i was going to die, and the last 20 -30 minutes, I was spent and it was so hot out, my insides felt like they were cooking! and my back seized up because I cant use my abs so my back aches all the time. I finally know what my clients feel like when they come in with no abs and back pain..... DO ABS!!!! seriously.. ... seriously

I went running for 25 minutes yesterday with my stomach "brace" or "keep stuff in wrap" and today i ran/walked 45 minutes. I was quite surprised that my cardiovascular system was awesome and wanted to run for 2hours, but I forced myself to stop. I guess water running last week helped! Sometimes, I really am in awe of myself and my body. Somehow, I am like a chamileon, adapting to bad/painful situations and making them work for me?? Sometimes i still dont know how i even get up in the morning with EM, let alone run, bike and swim. If I think about it, 2 weeks ago, I almost died!!! 4-5hours away from death, with major surgery, and I am ready to train... frustrated that I cant go as fast, or as hard. My doctor put me in my place though... :) be lucky i am still here....haha .. awesome!

So here i stil am, doing the best I can everyday... slowly building back up. Some days, I get tired of having to start over... just when i seem to be doing good, something happens.. SOMETHING ALWAYS HAPPENS and knocks me down... and yet... another thing always happens; i get back up. But that is life I guess. And by some miracle, if I can finish the Ironman...it will be worth it!!!!

"If one dream should fall and break into a thousand pieces, never be afraid to pick one of those pieces up and begin again."

Stands with a Fist

"I get knocked down...but i get up again... you're never going to keep me down"

I just got home from the hospital... I'm still in a lot of pain, I can't do anything myself. I need help standing, sitting, going to the bathroom, and showering. It all started Sunday night... Sunday was a horrible day. It rained hard all day long and I was really pissed that I couldnt go for my 90 mile bike ride... Hindsight, I was damn lucky to not have ridden with a ruptured appednix....In the afternoon, i started to feel what I thought was strong stomach cramps...maybe from food poisoning or stomach flu or something. It was very uncomfy, and I figured I would wake up in the middle of the night on the toilet. Sunday night though, i couldn't sleep very well... it was getting very uncomfortable... i couldn't find a happy place. It was a very long night. i kept pushing on my stomach, still thinking the food poisoning theory, in hopes to push out the gas/poo bacteria. normally that helps, but this was different. Monday morning, I tried to eat breakfast and drink some water, and in a few minutes, I threw up. I couldn't even keep down water! I knew this wasnt a good sign, but i didn't think anything different. As the day went on, the pain in my right abdomen was started to get really really strong. Soon, I couldn't stop crying from the pain. Dan came home around 4 to take me to the doctor. Hindsight, should have just went to the ER. Guess that is the problem with something new, you seem to always relate it to something you have had before. We get to the doctor, and im crying in pain, and the nurse took 1 look at me and put me in a cab to go straight to the ER.

We get to the er and after what seem to be forever, 30 min or so, they sent me straight to the back. Next thing I knew im in an exam room and they are ruling all the easy stuff out. They gave me a girlie exam, which was not fun because of the extreme pain in my abdomen, but everything there was fine. So they move me to another room and hook me up to IV and make me drink this nasty contrast drink to get ready for a cat scan. Another 2 hours pass of pure agony!!! The morphine I got didnt seem to do much, just pass through my system and at this time, Im in pure agony. It is funny, because most pain i dont feel because it is not stronger than EM pain, but this was sharp excruciating pain in one area and I'm beginning to think there is something really really wrong.

finally... FINALLY, they give me a cat scan, and you can always tell when you have something bad when they put things into motion fast...by the time i got back to the room, they had already put an order in for no food/drink etc....which is fine because i couldnt drink anyways.... then the surgeon comes down to tell me that I have an appendicitus and they are going to operate tonight. Great! so we wait and wait and wait and wait...and finally get moved upstairs where they start to prep me. Turns out that its not the simple snatch and grab appendix removal, it has perforated/ruptured and was leaking nasty toxins and bacteria into my abdominal region. I knew that was bad because that can make you septic and kill you. I was still in a ton of pain and finally instead of morphine that wasnt working they gave me dilaudid...which is stronger and AWESOME. Im not a normal fan of pain meds... I havent taken them since I first got diagnosed with EM. I didnt like the way they make me feel, but this stuff was awesome. FINALLY i felt a little relief and the best bit was the goofy happy feeling. Makes me wish I had this stuff when i was first diagnosed, because I was out of it completely. This stuff is dangerous though and highly addictive, and is similar to herion... when they first injected it in, I thought i was going to die because it made it very hard to breathe... but after that, an uncaring feeling set in... giggle. The surgeon told me that if I had waited another 4 - 5 hours, I could have been dead.

Finally at 330 am or so, the knock me out... I will admit I was actually scared. I didnt get scared until they told me it was perforated and started asking me if i had a will etc etc... I woke up screaming and crying hysterically... i woke up too early...and they were still trying to pull out the tube out of my mouth and the pain killers didnt start to work yet. The nurse was yelling to me to hold on, it will be better soon... but i was scared! i remember talking to the nurse while she kept giving me the happy shot. the surgeon said that it was worse than expected and the appendix was green and black and seeping nasty bacteria and toxins all over my body and they had to pull out the intestines and stuff to drain the nasty stuff... and the bad stuff had leaked and pooled in my cervix!!!! ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww... find out later I had a 40% chance of not surviving..but for me that is great odds because I have em and that is a 1 /gazillion chance of getting that! The surgeon said that my appendix had been inflamed for at least a week and wondered why I didnt feel it.... and he said I probably only felt it when it perforated and ruptured... guess that is the problem with EM... you dont feel the pain until it matches or exceeds em pain in 1 location. guess I am very lucky to have gone to the ER. So, if you ever feel like this.... GO TO THE ER!!!!!


they sent me to my room and my first roomate was horrible!!!!!!!!!! she kept screaming things as loud as she could like "NURSE NURSE NURSE NURSE NURSE, HELP HELP HELP, COME IN, COME IN, COME IN, WHERE ARE MY SHOES/ WHERE ARE MY SHOES?' i tried to be polite and tell her to push her call button, but she was determined..and she didnt need any help. She was yelling at me telling me i stole her shoes, and every nurse that went by. I couldnt sleep and she never stopped. felt bad for the nurse and for myself. FINALLY, the moved me out of that horrible room to a room in the corner with a view...it was quite nice. then they had another roomie come in who was very naughty....she had a 5 hour back surgery and like me they told her she cant drink or eat until they tell her, but she was begging for it from everyone,.... she didnt care if it made her throw up and pop her stitches... they eventually moved her out by the nurses station to watch her. Guess i was good enough to stay at the end.... peace and quite again... then that night the shit hit the fan again... for some reason I started screaming in pain because of the sharp stabbing in my gut...... i thought something was wrong again... I WAS SO HOT AND felt sure I was going to spontaneous combust. Poor dan! The night nurse didnt like me and kept trying to give me percocet which makes me violently puke and that didnt sound like fun... the surgeon came and explained that they really did a number on my insides to save me so this pain is to be expected and I can have dilaudid as much as I want... THANK GOD... they explained that since I was an athlete, my body just metablizes the morphine so quickly that it doesnt help very much.....so they hooked me up with dilaudid and finally felt relief again. I started to sing MELLOW YELLOW and was talking gibberish to Dan , but at least i seemed happy.... it hurt to laugh though so i kept telling Dan to not make me laugh... i woke up that morning groggy and wanting to go home...they bring me a nasty breakfast but the surgeon came and said i can go home around 2... yay.




i had to use this lung tool and breathe in and out to make sure i don't get pneumonia or something... dan said it was like a video game, i thought it was more like torture.




















Dan came and I was booted out of the hospital....yay. Im still in a lot of pain and was a little scared at getting sent home because we dont have a mechanical bed. We went to duane reed pharmacy to get my prescription and finally..... i fart... ;) oh it felt good!!!! i havent been able to do it since monday morning and it was awesome! Sorry if that is too much info, but that is one of the side effects of an appendicitis. So dan was making fun of me and doing a walking fart dance and I was trying hard not to laugh.. FInally I get home and think now what? I cant do anything on my own... it hurts to sit down and dan has to lift me and help me... THIS SUCKS! I want to swim and bike and run and do yoga...i cant even lift my own legs!!! I had a little relapse that night but each day it has slowly gotten better... I am depressed now as i worry about my upcoming ironman. Will i still be able to do it/?//? when can i train? how come it still hurts so much> I am usually good with pain!! they must have really done a number on my gut for it to still hurt. but I am still hopefull, and very thankful that I am still here. I didn't come this far in life to die now by an appendicitis... i dont want my own body killing me!!! I hope that it will get better and I will train soon. I wonder why 6-7% of people have this and why it happened to me? Dont I have enough trouble in life? cant i catch a break? guess not! it could have been worse! and at least i have only 1 appendix... I HOPE! It just goes to show that nothing is ever promised to you...not even if you work hard, live a good life, and try to help others... nothing is ever promised... so if you read this, be thankful... you never know when your body will turn on you... you might get EM or your appendix might burst, but all you can do is try your best no matter what happens. And maybe, I will come back stronger after this..





so here I stand.... with a fist! refusing to give up...






I want to know if you can live with failure.......yours and mine....and still stand at the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, "Yes."...

"Never Use your Face as a Brake"

"Faster, faster, faster, until the thrill of speed overcomes the fear of death. "

On Wednesday, I crashed my bike on a sharp technical downhill and rammed into the barracade and then the concrete. It was really slippery and my brakes locked up and then it was too late. It happened so fast and my face hit the concrete and then rolled over slammed my shoulder and then whipped my head back and hit the back of my head hard on the concrete. I know I hit it hard because I saw white flash and then black. I was still clipped in to my bike and i lay there with gatorade dumping all over me. Probably was out for a couple seconds, but for a moment there I thought...this could be it. There is nothing worse than the realization that you are crashing... I had been having a great ride for 3 hours and was about to make it home to do a brick run. A couple of bikers helped me up and wanted to call for an ambulance. Apparently my face was really scary. I had blood gushing down my face and neck. Not only was i sweaty, but with EM, my wounds dont close if they are dilated and thus, blood down my face. I managed to fix my bike and had to ride it back 20 minutes or so. I had lots of horrified looks, and a kid was crying cause he saw all the blood. My left shoulder was dislocated and managed to pop it back in again... like usual.. and my knee was hit, but my face and head/neck was the worse!!!! I somehow managed to make it back home.

"Everybody's got a plan until they get hit." Mike tyson

The strangest thing is actually have my pain visible for people to see. They see my face and they cringe, say oh are you alright? or ouch... they actually see my pain????? The next day I woke up in a lot more pain. My neck is still hurting from whiplash, actually had a bad headache which i don't get anymore because normally head ache pain isnt greater than EM pain. My knee hurt, and my cheek throbbed! and you can see it!! i wish people could see EM pain, what would they do? maybe then people would realize how much pain we are in? I guess it would be scary to see people walking around daily on fire... ;) But it gets old being invisible. At one point my eye closed up and i could barely see out of it, my eye was completely bloodshot and i couldnt smile or chew food on the left side of my face... haha.


Today I got back on the horse and rode 75 miles with Dan. There were bits that I was absolutely petrified at which i've never been before. I was extra jumpy and nervous and of course it started RAINING ON ME which is deja vu. I hope I return to normal. I still cant turn my head... did I really mess up my neck? I know I hit the ground hard, but patience isn't my virture. I would have figured it would be better by now, but guess my body doesnt heal... Anyhoo, I finished my ride and am proud that I am biking more and hopefully I will be able to do the Ironman. :)

On a different note, my parents came to NY over the weekend and we did a little sightseeing! We went on a boat tour and on the intrepid ship... and out to eat where they were in shock at the prices for a simple meal and beer. :) But it was fun because I haven't had anybody come out to visit me and sightsee with me. My aunt came out with me before i lived here but we didnt have much time to sightsee because i was interviewing, but it was still fun. So it was a fun weekend and now I'm exhausted! it is hard work sightseeing all day! and then biking ... :) Will hopefully sleep well tonight! ;) Ride on...


"When your bow is broken and your last arrow spent, then shoot, shoot with your whole heart."

Beer, it's like Powerade only Better!!!

"Sweat dries, blood clots, bones heal. Suck it up."

Alright, everyone... i'm done whinging.. haha.. I got some much needed sleep, a new Ironman training plan, and some new motivation and determination. Back to being me!!! :) I usually don't blog when I'm depressed, but after last race i decided to blog and show people how i feel. I'm not super girl every day! :P

So, I've got my new perspective. I'm going to ride my bike... and ride some more, and then still ride. I probably wont get any faster up a hill... dont think my EM genetics will let me. But, I can change my mental attitude towards a hill. Yes it hurts, hurts like bloody hell for me!!! But, this is Ironman, its meant to hurt. If it doesnt hurt, you are not doing it right! so, as I said to myself today as I rode my bike .... " SUCK IT UP PRINCESS!" :) The only good part of a hill... is the DOWNHILL... I'm really good on a downhill and i cant figure it out ? I fly by people that just passed me uphill, and on the flats im pretty good... Dan says I should train in the mountains...haha I did pretty good on my bike, I didn't bonk. I need practice getting used to the hill pain. I've also decided to blog more often. Just to show more of my training, not just races. I know i'm going to have hard days, but I should have a good day once and a while. Just do what I always do, take one day at a time. Hills , hills and more hills... Just had a killer meal of steak and hashbrowns at home... it tasted so good!!

Do you ever wonder why they have beer at the end of a race??? or during mile 20 of the marathon? I'm sorry, but on mile 20 of a marathon, I dont want to get sloshed and I dont like running through puddles of beer that smells like piss or men who maybe just pee at this time... but in sandals... ITS GROSS!!! But a beer at the end of the race can be nice...if it is cold! I think after my ironman Im going to get sloshed in celebration! that is if I finish. Probably wont take much since I'm such a lightweight. Will have to catch up to Dan who says while im racing he is just gonna lay out on the beach and drink beer!!!! :) 3 months + to go...

"On the mountains of truth you can never climb in vain: either you will reach a point higher up today, or you will be training your powers so that you will be able to climb higher tomorrow."

One can never consent to creep when one feels an impulse to soar.

"My candle burns at both its ends; It will not last the night; But oh, my foes, and oh, my friends -- It gives a lovely light."

I somehow managed to finish the Half Ironman race. I almost quit so many times i lost count. It seems nothing is ever easy for me and nothing is ever done without having to give it my all. I am a lot slower than i was last year. In both the marathon and half ironman i was 1 hour slower! I have more injuries, sciatic nerve pain, etc etc and it makes me think my body is not cut out for this...and my mind is tired of having to bear all this pain. And yet here I am, standing before you, ready to take on the Full Ironman once again.

The race started like any other race. Wake up super early in the morning, go to the start, the nerves kick in... doubts... will I be strong today? will I finish? Will I make it? Dan and I arrive at the start and the announcer chirps in that there is a delay because of the strong wind and current have moved all the buoys and they need time to arrange them back in line for the race....hmmmmmmmmm... maybe that should have been an omen?????? Not to mention ITS BLOODY freezing outside and the wind is whipping and the water looks dark and menacing. Then the announcer says that the race director and referree says that the water condition is so bad that if you prefer you can opt out of the swim and just do a duathlon.... ??????? That is when you know the water conditions must be bad if they are ok with you skipping the swim ... NOW THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN A BIGGER OMEN FOR ME... but im stubborn. I refuse to quit. I thought to myself I couldnt live with myself if I skip the swim.

The day before I went paddling in the water, and it was freezing!!!!!!!!!!! now add super wind and super swells and total constriction of my lungs together and what do you get? a drowning EM girl. I don't get it! I used to be such an amazing swimmer. And once I get in the water, I can't get any air in. I felt like I was at the bottom of the ocean scuba diving again without any air. The cold water must have frozen my lungs again because I thought I was going to die. And it wasnt just me. People were getting thrown all over each other because of the waves...the buoys were all messed up and no one knew where to go and it was total chaos. I looked around for a canoe and couldnt find any of them.

"The chief cause of dissapointment and failure is trading what you want the most for what you want at the moment"

I needed help and there was no one to help me. The waves kept smashing me, i still couldnt get any air in. I thought that I was going to die right there. i dont want to die here... i didnt come this far to die here! Damn it... this sucks. I HATE THIS! why cant i just breathe? I was getting very angry at my lungs... open up! Then the puking starts. Apparently my throat was also malfunctioning and i got water in my lungs, and I started puking and trying to stay afloat. *sigh* I threw up 3 times and then i just didnt care anymore. I just wanted to lay there and not move. For a split second, I almost just gave up. then the fight in me kicked in again... Thank GOD. I swam back and still wasnt getting much air, and my lungs were making a weird sound. I finally made it back to the swim finish. I come out of the water, and stumbled, crying, over to Dan and told him i dont know if i can go on anymore. I was debating my options in my head, and I notice the quit option is popping up more than normal these days and it is getting louder.

Still being stubborn, I decided to just try biking and if i cant bike then ill quit. On the bike I threw up twice...had water flowing out my nose and my throat and my lungs were aching. THis sucks I thought to myself! I kept pedalling trying to salvage my race, but there was nothing left.

I contine to bike, trying to go as fast as I can. Then I see a girl go down, sprawled on the ground not moving. The realization hits me again that that could be me. There was so much road rage at this race. So many angry drivers yelling at us to get off the road. I just couldnt believe all the rage. Somehow I manage to finish the bike... alot slower than last year, but I managed it. I had a lot of time to think and feel sorry for myself on the bike. I once again wished I was a normal girl, with normal race difficulties or normal race strategies. I wished I could be off my bike, I wished I could be pain free..... kept on wishing for things I know wont come true. I just want to be part of this world. I want to be an Ironwoman. I want to do things normal people do.

I wanna be where the people are
I wanna see, wanna see them dancin'
Walking around on those - what do you call 'em?
Oh - feet!

Flippin' your fins, you don't get too far
Legs are required for jumping, dancing
Strolling along down a - what's that word again?
Street

Up where they walk, up where they run

Up where they stay all day in the sun

Wanderin' free - wish I could be

Part of that world

I finish the bike and saw Dan. Once again I feel the urge to quit. I debated again what my options were.... Im not a quitter, but it was very tempting.

"You may not think you have what it takes to persist in your efforts for long periods of time. Yet all you must do is persist for just a moment, and then another moment, and then another."

My legs just didnt want to move anymore, my lungs hurt, my whole body just wanted to lay down and die. But, I decided to try running 1 lap. Maybe if I can do 1 lap, I can do 2 ? So off I trot, up the stupid steep hill at the beginning. Not once did I feel good on the run. I dont even recall feeling good at all doing the whole race....except maybe when i finished ! haha...

'It does not matter how slowly you go so long as you do not stop.'

I manage to run 1 lap and I see Dan and he tells me that my nana and Norma are right around the corner waiting for me. That sealed the deal. There was no way I'm not finishing this race now. Come on body, quit your bitching and just keep going. I may be slow, but it doesnt matter...just keep putting 1 foot in front of the other. It made me feel so good to see Nana and Norma and Dan cheering for me, that I wanted to make them proud. So I hobbled that last 6 miles... shuffled, trotted, walked... everything except crawled. haha! So I come up on the finish... I see Dan and tears start in my eyes... I can finish! I can't believe I can finish today! then i hobbled over the finish line and Nana, Norma, and Dan were there!! THat was such a horrible race, and I may have had my doubts, and my quitting moments, but when it came down to it, i didn't quit. I FINISHeD!!!!!!!!

It started out wrong in the swim and just kept being one big struggle just to cross the finish line. I kept having to make that choice, to quit or not to quit... I finished and i know i should be happy with just finishing that horrible race, but its not the same as it used to be. I used to find pride and happiness for sticking through it and not quitting and finishing something that seemed impossible at the time. But something has changed. I'm tired. I'm tired of having fight through so much pain. I'm not meaning to whine or make excuses or seem weak, but I'm tired of having to not quit when most people would quit. But once you learn to quit it can become a habit...and im scared that if i quit in a race, i will quit in life.

'Its the possibility that when you're dead, you might still go on hurting that bothers me."


and the after race depression has already sunk in. I think after a race like that, it reminds me I am not a normal girl. It reminds me I have EM, and I have to struggle more than the average person just to get out of bed. I don't like that reminder. I just want to be free from pain and have a race where i dont have to go through bloody hell just to finish. Why do I do this to myself? Why can't I just quit the race if I am having a horrible time and the pain is unbearable? What am I trying to prove? Why do I have to prove to myself that Im not a quitter? People ask me why do i do this to myself and if it is even worth? WHY? I guess because I am alive... I am not screaming in bed... I did not kill myself and I refuse to let EM dictate my life.

so I stand here once again, exhausted.... but proud. Proud that I didn't give in even though no one would have blamed me if I did. Once again, I finished.

And the fact is, I'm scared. I'm scared that my time is up. I'm scared I'm going to end up back where I started, in bed, not being able to do stuff I want to do. I'm scared that this is it. My time has run out and I dont want to end up confined in bed. I want to be free. I want to live my life the way I want. I can't go back there. But what I have found....is that you can have all the determination in the world, all the guts, and heart you can possibly have, but sometimes...its not enough. Sometimes you can't make your body do things it can't. I just want to be free from pain. One of these days, Im just not going to have any fight left. i won't be able to help anyone anymore. I wish I could find a cure,, but I just want to make a difference. I also want to love myself and take care of myself. I'm sure my story isn't over yet. I'm sure I will find a different way to help or maybe its time to start a new chapter of my life. I'm just going to continue on my way and I'm sure it will find me, just like love found me.

I think my Full Ironman in Florida in November, might be my last long distance triathlon race. I need to find a new goal. I am going to need a miracle to be able to finish an Ironman! I need to train for it, find a way to work through those horrible days. Something, I need to find something, do something different. And give it one last shot. Hopefully , for one day , if I can complete the Ironman, I will be free. But, for now, I continue to fight, and keep going on towards my dream. And i hope that what I'm doing, helps you to keep going and not give up. Yes, life hurts, and FIRE TAKES NO HOLIDAY, but, the chance of achieving your dreams is worth it. You will have bad days, but the good ones when you have them, ARE REALLY REALLY GOOD. And since we have really really hellish days, then we can appreciate it more than the average person. So, maybe I shouldn't strive to be a normal girl anymore. A normal girl does not have what I have. I may have my extreme limitations, but I have more guts and heart than the normal girl.

I have Erythromelalgia, and I am extraordinary. :)

and you are too. There are not many people in this world quite like us, we just have to show them. So burn bright EM sufferers, burn bright.

"I feel like there is no need for conversation
Some questions are better left without a reason
And I would rather reveal myself than my situation
Now and then I consider, my hesitation

The more the light shines through me

I pretend to close my eyes

The more the dark consumes me

I pretend I'm burning, burning bright"

You will be known by the tracks you leave behind

"Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart. Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens"

Happy Fourth of July! As I watched the hot dog eating contest where they compete and shove 68 hot dogs in his mouth in 10 minutes, I think about my half ironman race approaching. I watch them as they shove hot dog and bun in their mouth so fast they make me want to throw up and i think how horrible I would be at this competition. They probably think the same about me and why would I be crazy enough to do a half ironman let alone a full Ironman in November. At least their competition is over in 10 minutes and not 6 hours! haha... So here I am full circle, about to do the Amica Providence Ironman 70.3 next Sunday the 12th. I doubt I will be as fast as I was last year, with an injured sciatic nerve, and not as much training. As I struggle with my sciatic nerve injury, I wondered if this was the "permanent nerve damage" the neurologist was telling me about. But I try not to think about the far off future, and try not to think about living with EM for 10, 20 , or 30 more years...sometimes i'm not sure I will be able to. I get scared of the thought when and if my body gives in. So I will do this half ironman as training for my full ironman in November. I hope I can finish that this year. And then maybe it will be time to switch venues. My EM pain stricken body is not meant for running long distances, especially not in sandals. But there are plenty of other races and other goals for me to do. But, I havent given up on my dream to do the ironman.

I just moved in with my boyfriend Dan and he is getting along better than I expected with my 2 big kitty cats. They seem to like him and they love their new place on the 14th floor. I still think my cats are my angels who were there for me when I got sick when I lost so much. I have to thank Dan for letting them in. They are big creatures who he calls the polar bear and little lion. :) I never imagined I would be here and that I would be this happy. When you spend some much time in the dark and gloomy, the bright light can be blinding at times. When you get used to pain and misery, you can't help but think when is it going to be taken away again.

"In dreams and in love there are no impossibilities"

I have found my new fun passion and that is travelling. In May, Dan took me to Antigua for 10 days. I love the sun and the ocean. I have been to 3 new places on my passport so far: St. Lucia, Bahamas and Antigua...and in September we are going to HAWAII!!!!!! I've always wanted to go to Hawaii... ever since I was younger. I'm so excited!

Antigua was so much fun! We went on a speed boat tour around the whole island. We snorkelled with sting rays, saw an Eagle ray and a turtle. Floated around on my favorite raft "baby blue" that I still miss today. We saw this entertainer who danced and breathed fire. I thought that was so cool! I want to do that, I bet I could do that very well since I basically live in fire. I might as well get paid for it too! haha.. Maybe Ill do that for charity after my Ironman. :)

I love scuba diving and had a rather frightening experience in the water this time. We reached 60 feet under the water and all of a sudden, I was out of air ?? I looked at my gage and it said 0 !!! How can it be 0? I started out with 3000 ? i was totally confused and somewhat out of it because it had been at least 1 minute or so before I realized I was spasming for air. So I look for my buddy Dan, he was at least 10 feet or so below me and you can't just swim down without equalizing. By the time I reach Dan I was apparently stupid and instead of signalling him that i was out of air, I showed him my gage!!!!!!!!!!!!! He just tapped on it because he must of thought my gage was broken... duh. I then panicked and made the signal need air so he gave me his alternate regulator to share air and we ascended. Tiny the scuba guide must think im an idiot.. apparently I didnt turn my air all the way on!! and when we reached 60 feet i couldnt breathe out of it anymore. I didn't have air down there for 3 minutes and it was a long 3 minutes. What if I had passed out before I reached Dan? i am so thankful I used to be a swimmer and can hold my breath for a long time and that I am used to convulsing underwater without air, so it could have been worse? I remember thinking that I didnt come this far in life just to die now. I figured EM would kill me eventually or I would spontaneous combust because of the heat. I guess you never know when or how its going to happen. You never know when everything you love will be taken from you, so you might as well enjoy it while you have it and cherish it. Basically, to live like you are dying. So, you might see me in a race, or out there on vacation, sticking out my tongue, or acting silly, but I will be living and having the time of my life, and I wouldn't change this for anything. Yes, I may have EM, but I am way more alive than I used to be. :)

"Try as much as possible to be wholly alive, with all your might, and when you laugh, laugh like hell and when you get angry, get good and angry. Try to be alive. You will be dead soon enough.”

Things are only impossible until they are not

"To describe the agony of a marathon to someone who's never run it is like trying to explain color to someone who was born blind."

I woke up this morning from a really long sleep, still in amazement that i was able to finish the marathon! So many things went wrong, and yet i still managed the 26.2 miles. It all started on Wednesday night before we left for California. I don't know exactly what I did, but all of a sudden i had excruciating pain shooting down my left leg and up my spine. I couldnt even stand on my leg!/? and i couldnt walk and I was really worried. Partly because for me to feel pain it has to be bad and partly because the marathon was so close. Apparently I hurt my sciatic nerve and all night and the next day it ached and had to limp around. I went and got a sports/deep tissue massage to see if it helped and it did seem to help a little, but probably not enough to complete the race. It was scary to me that I was so close and might not be able to run. I hate quitting, I hate not finishing, and it doesn't matter if it is injury related, I DON'T LIKE IT. So we leave for CA, and I prayed and hoped it would get better. On Friday, we drive the course and maybe it wasnt a good idea, or maybe it was. Either way, IT WAS VERY HILLY and that 2 mile hill seemed to go on for miles. There were lots of other hills as well and it was disappointing because there were no place for spectators to watch and Dan couldnt come to the start with me either. It was going to be a very lonely run tomorrow I thought to myself.

I woke up sunday morning at 330 am to get ready for the race and i wondered if I was going to be strong enough today. I boarded the shuttle at 415 am and sat in the bus for the hour ride to the start. It was in the 40's that morning and i was in my shorts and tank top and sandals. I bought one of those race wraps for 5 bucks that was white and was a long sleeve wrappy thing that i figured i would throw away fairly quickly in the morning. We all get pushed onto the course and stood in line waiting to start. I was told the day before that we only had 6 hours to finish the race, and it was 6 hours from the gun start, not chip time...which was highly annoying to me being a slower runner. Last year I ran my marathon under 5 hours, and they said to add 30 minutes to your best run time because of the hard hilly course... so i was looking at close to the 6 hours with a hurt leg, and irritated sciatic nerve@!


Hills, hills, and more hills!

While I was waiting to start I heard lots of people commenting on my sandals as usual. Some called me stupid, some said i was brave, some were mean, and some were curious. I gladly shared my story with whoever I could. Finally the gun goes off and I start running. Supposedly the first 5 miles are the easiest. My body was having a hard time moving! I had horrible shin splints, Im assuming from standing there for so long in shorts. i also had a hard time running on all the twists and turns, the road was always at a slant and IT IS REALLY HARD TO RUN IN SANDALS ON A STEEP SLANT!!!!!!!!!!!! my feet were scraping the ground and my ankles were killing me... why oh why did i pick this hilly twisty turny race? I had a long time to think about that same question during the race. About 10 years ago, when i ran my first marathon, afterwards i decided to never run one again, haha...who knew? But back then when i was searching through the races, I stumbled on the big sur one. i don't know why i remembered that race, but I decided that I wanted to run that race because it was supposed to be the prettiest race in N. America. For some reason, it stuck in my head, and 10 years later, i signed up to do this race. i imagined a beautiful course, running over the bridgest, looking at the ocean... THEY SHOULD HAVE MENTIONED THE HARDEST COURSE AS WELL. I look at my watch at mile 2, 18 minutes, that is a 9 min mile pace which is a good start. Last year i ran that pace until mile 12 before I bonked, so i vowed to fuel myself better this time... mile 3, I was slowing down and my sciatic nerve was starting to fire. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO? HOW THE HELL AM I GOING TO FINISH 26 MILES WHEN IM IN PAIN AT MILE 3? it gets worse mile 4, and mile 5 I almost quit. I could only run/shuffle for a few minutes before having to walk. It seemed grim and hopeless. I didn't come this far to quit at mile 5! I started to tear up as I realized I couldn't finish. Why must I always have to run with so much pain? Why do I insist on doing this to myself when it hurts so much/ Determintation and inner strength can only go so far when the body is not able. I made a choice. Ill be damned if i quit now... i vowed to make it up hurricane point..the 2 mile uphill climb at mile 10. If i could make it up that, i could at least say I tried. Now the problem was, how do i make it to mile 10 when I'm only at mile 5 with pain?? So, I tried different running styles, I tried swinging my hips and overexaggerating my hips and for some reason, it helped? so for the next few miles I run up hills, past cows that made me feel like I was NE again, and walked occasionally to rest my leg. Once we got by the ocean on highway 1, the wind picked up like crazy, and of course, IT WAS AGAINST US. Im sure i looked odd running like i did, but i always look odd running anyways. Mile 8 and then mile 9, and then I start running down the hill that precedes the dreaded 2 mile hill. I look up as i start the hill, and for some reason, it wasnt so bad. I guess if i can run with the sciatic nerve pain, and em pain, that the hill pain didnt phase me. I get to mile 11 and I was getting tired..the wind was picking up and getting stronger as I got closer to the top. No wonder they call it hurricane point.. at one point, i was leaning into the wind, laughing, because it seemed like i was getting pushed backwards.. YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME.. it was funny. I finally got to the top. I saw people running with others getting their picture taken, celebrating together, and at that point, I felt so alone. No one to share this experience, no loved ones able to watch, just me, alone and in horrible pain like normal. I keep running. Ok, I made it halfway, time to reassess. I looked at my watch...if i do make it, its going to be close to the 6 hours. THe rules of the course were that if you didnt make it to mile 22 by 5 hours, they would pull you off the course in buses. And if you didn't finish by 6, the same , and you couldn't finish officially. I'm super glad I had a Garmin Forerunner on that i borrowed. It tells you the pace you are running/walking at. I was starting to feel the effects of running differently in my hips and the nerve was shooting fire up and down both legs and spine. I was really amazed i was still running at all. Mile 15, mile 16, mile 17... it was taking forever, and the pain was building. I finally hit mile 20... only 6 more to go. i knew it was going to take everythiing to make it in under 6 hours. I hit mile 22 at 4:48 or so... just barely under the cut off. i saw the buses ready . All i knew is that i didnt want to be on that bus. i was shuffling/walking/running at this point.

"Do you think when an animals are being chased by something when it gets a tired it stops. Hell no. Be that dumb animal when you run and don't stop until you've crossed the finish line."

Each mile seemed to take FOREVER. At mile 24, I saw Dan. It made me cry... he must have walked down from the finish. They werent supposed to let people...only let them walk a little bit from the finish. BUt i guess it didnt matter for the slow runners like me. He walks with me a bit, motivating me to finish... i look at my watch. Im 1.2 miles from the finish and i only have less than 15 min. It might seem easy for a normal runner, a fast runner, but for me, with the pain at its highest... it seemed mean. But, i started running. I felt like forrest gump, but they were yelling... RUN FOREST GIMP RUN... so i was runnan... and i managed a 11 min mile pace that last bit. Dont ask me how, or where that came from. But, I FINISHED!!!!!!!!!!!!!! one of the hardest race yet, and i finished?? I still cant believe it! WOOHOOOOOOO!!!! 5:56... haha. Nothing like cutting it close!

i met some cool people on the run. At mile 20, I ran a bit with , who had just did Ironman china the week before. He might know pain at this point, because i can only imagine me not being able to walk for a week after the IM let alone running a marathon. He said he recognized me from TV, ESPN. Another runner recognized me from the Florida championship on NBC. It made me happy that people watched the shows and actually remembered me! Maybe on my wild adventures I can help someone and perhaps find a cure by the right person reading my story.

Anyway, i walked through the finishers tent, got my cool medal, and my free beer. I didn't really drink it because it sounded gross, but i figured i'd get one for kicks. all i wanted was the chocolate chip cookie in the car waiting for me. YUM! When i sat down in the car.... i felt relief. FINALLY AFTER 6 HOURS ... That shower felt awesome! I looked down at my feet and saw the huge blister on my right foot. Hmmmmmm... that is going to feel good in the morning! just like last year, i had a hard time sitting down, and standing up, and basically walking.

"Marathoning is like cutting yourself unexpectedly. You dip into the pain so gradually that the damage is done before you are aware of it. Unfortunately, when awareness comes, it is excruciating."

We drove to san fran to go sight seeing. We went to the Irish bar right next to the hotel and i got my traditional BIG JUICY CHEESEBURGER! and a sundae from Ghiradelli Square...YUMmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!

We went to alcatraz, golden gate bridge, and bus tours. It was very hilly there too! I'm tired of hills!!!!!!! But i got to ride on the trolley up the huge alcatraz hill...haha Dan

the next 2 days we went sight seeing around San fran. I couldnt barely walk, so i hobbled and my huge blister became a huge blood blister, and that hurt so bad to even walk on it. I guess thats the price to pay. It still hurts today, but San Fran was cool.

but strangely enough, this motivates me for the IM in November. I'm going to train really hard, especially on the bike. Because its going to take a miracle to do a marathon after 112 miles. But, if i could finish that marathon with all that pain, and actually hobble over the finish when i thought it was impossible to finish... maybe just maybe, i can do an ironman.

"What is it? A different way of seeing things? An obsession with form, technique, and precision? Is it power, pure and simple? What is it that makes a champion? Maybe, it's just the absolute refusal to be anything but."

What should I be but just what I am

MARATHON IN A FEW DAYS!!!!!!!!!! YIKES

It has been 1 year since my last marathon and frankly...I didn't plan on racing a marathon again. I had planned on doing my Ironman last year then moving on to another, different sort of race. But here I am full circle, doing one again. They say that

"You have to forget your last marathon before you try another. Your mind can't know what's coming."

The problem is, I haven't forgotten, I can never forget that horrible additional pain. I still have nightmares about it, and dreams of so much more pain than I am already in, getting so much worse that I just burst into flames one day, or go crazy and can't handle it anymore. But here I go again... knowing how bad its going to hurt, knowing how hard I'm going to have to push myself just to be able to finish. I will admit it scares me! But, if I let pain win...even just 1 time, and not do a race in fear of the pain, then it will keep on winning and I will not accomplish anything. I will just go back to laying in bed and screaming....and that sounds so much worse!!!!!!! I have to focus on why I am doing this ...and I'm doing this not only for me, but for all EM sufferers out there... maybe in one of these crazy races, I will get attention to the right person who can find a cure. maybe I can inspire one other person to do something they are afraid of. Who knows? All I know is that I will not let the fear of pain win.

You can’t fear pain. Pain is to be expected. It is not a bad or negative thing. You almost need to embrace it, and then learn to deal with the feeling.

ok so Big Sur marathon here i come!!! I signed up for this race, partly because before I was diagnosed with EM, I looked through a marathon book and decided someday I would do the Big Sur marathon..the book said it was one of the prettiest race in the US and for some reason I wanted to do that one. I didn't know at the time, that I had put it on my pre sick "list" , and now it is my mission to do all the things on that list even with EM. Its kinda funny that I chose this race.... ITS SUPER HILLY!!!!!!!!the book should of said it may be the prettiest but its also the hilliest! Mile 11 to mile 13 or so...IS A 2 MILE HILL... the race directors say there are 4 false summits that you hit and think you are done, but youre not.. haha... its kind of like my life. :) Just when you think the pain is so bad and couldn't get any worse...IT CAN! :) oh well, i am trying to think of it as just a hill.. its not impossible, just slower. I will do the best I can and hope i can make it up that hill. People without EM just can't comprehend what this means... It hurts to walk up a hill, climb stairs, anything that burns the legs and pools all the blood in the legs, takes away O2 and blood from the brain/heart/lungs...and literally feels like i'm dying...and now i can enjoy this MARATHON ON SUPER BIG HILLS... am i crazy??????????? I must be... I must of picked this race to torture myself, or maybe scare EM into submission.. haha

they say that the pretty parts of the course will distract you from the pain of running the hills... haha... i'm sure i will be cursing at the pretty parts when i get there. :P at least i will have Dan to cheer me on at the finish. It is really lonely during the race and know there isn't anyone to see you. It is always nice during the half ironmans, to see him cheering me on mid race. It makes me less lonely, to focus on finishing instead of the pain. But the way the course is set up, I will probably not see him to the finish. so it might be 5+ hours of horrible pain all by myself. I don't have the ESPN crew talking to me, making me laugh, etc. It will just be me, and the pain. May the running gods have mercy on me. Hopefully it will be a sunny cool day, with no pouring rain and ice like last year. all i can ask of myself is to do the best I can. So ready or not, here i come. And maybe, just maybe, if i can finish this race, I can make a difference.

Henceforth, I whimper no more, postpone no more, need nothing. Strong and content, I travel the open HILLY 26.2 mile road.

"[Scientific testing] can't determine how the mind will tolerate pain in a race. Sometimes, I say, "Today I can die.'"

NBC !! etc...

Hi Everyone,

I know it has been a while since posting a blog...but i needed a break and was a little lost on what to do next. I took some time to myself, and took some fantastic vacations with Dan. I just figured what I wanted to do would come to me... and it did.

First of all:

I will be in the NBC broadcast of Ironman World Championship 70.3 NBC Sunday
April 12, 2009, 4:30 - 6:00 p.m. EST

Then April 26, I will be running the Big Sur Marathon in California. I didn't think i would want to run or feel the need to run another marathon. Been there, done that! But, since I will be attempting the Ironman Florida in November 2009, I felt I should do another one. The big sur race is supposed to be one of the prettiest marathons in the US because you run on the ocean and across bridges and stuff... maybe it will be a distraction from the pain? especially since I dont have the ESPN crew following me around keeping me entertained. And Dan has never been to San Francisco before so we will go there after the race... This way Dan can see where I escaped from Alcatraz a long time ago. haha :P

SO, what have I been up to these past few months?? I have been putting together my bucket list... to be listed in a later post.

In December, Dan took me to St. Lucia for 10 days. It is part of my bucket list to go to all of the Caribbean Islands and sunny beach places :). So, I had to get my passport for the first time! :) I loved it there...I wanted to stay there! We stayed at the Sandals Resort, which I highly recommend! Also, I got certified as a Scuba Diver! There was speculation on whether or not I could even scuba dive because of EM and the blood vessels not working properly. The problem with Scuba is that you have to be able to equalize or it will cause permanent ear damage... so can someone with defective blood vessels equalize????? the answer is YES!!! I love scuba diving! I will add pictures soon. :) I felt at home in the ocean with the fish. And Dan loves scuba diving with me because I CANT TALK UNDER WATER...haha! Although, I did try and got very frustrated with stupid hand signals. It was also strange that I got very cold in the water! maybe because im usually so hot?? Anyhoo, I loved it there! One of the best times in my life.

Then in January we went to the Bahamas for a short 4 night trip where we stayed at the Riu. Bahamas was more like Florida, but I think i didnt like it as much because it was too short! :P
We went Scuba diving there too but the water was way colder, probably because it was January! And there was no Southern Comfort there which was highly upsetting...haha so we drank Blue Ocean instead and that was quite nice! and it turns your tongue blue.. so that is 2 islands down, lots more to go!

to be cont....

Sports Illustrated!!

Check me out online and on newstands Dec. 1,

http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/scorecard/faces/2008/12/01/


"Live life fully while you're here. Experience everything. Take care of yourself and your friends. Have fun, be crazy, be weird. Go out and screw up! You're going to anyway, so you might as well enjoy the process. Take the opportunity to learn from your mistakes: find the cause of your problem and eliminate it. Don't try to be perfect; just be an excellent example of being human."