You will be known by the tracks you leave behind

"Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart. Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens"

Happy Fourth of July! As I watched the hot dog eating contest where they compete and shove 68 hot dogs in his mouth in 10 minutes, I think about my half ironman race approaching. I watch them as they shove hot dog and bun in their mouth so fast they make me want to throw up and i think how horrible I would be at this competition. They probably think the same about me and why would I be crazy enough to do a half ironman let alone a full Ironman in November. At least their competition is over in 10 minutes and not 6 hours! haha... So here I am full circle, about to do the Amica Providence Ironman 70.3 next Sunday the 12th. I doubt I will be as fast as I was last year, with an injured sciatic nerve, and not as much training. As I struggle with my sciatic nerve injury, I wondered if this was the "permanent nerve damage" the neurologist was telling me about. But I try not to think about the far off future, and try not to think about living with EM for 10, 20 , or 30 more years...sometimes i'm not sure I will be able to. I get scared of the thought when and if my body gives in. So I will do this half ironman as training for my full ironman in November. I hope I can finish that this year. And then maybe it will be time to switch venues. My EM pain stricken body is not meant for running long distances, especially not in sandals. But there are plenty of other races and other goals for me to do. But, I havent given up on my dream to do the ironman.

I just moved in with my boyfriend Dan and he is getting along better than I expected with my 2 big kitty cats. They seem to like him and they love their new place on the 14th floor. I still think my cats are my angels who were there for me when I got sick when I lost so much. I have to thank Dan for letting them in. They are big creatures who he calls the polar bear and little lion. :) I never imagined I would be here and that I would be this happy. When you spend some much time in the dark and gloomy, the bright light can be blinding at times. When you get used to pain and misery, you can't help but think when is it going to be taken away again.

"In dreams and in love there are no impossibilities"

I have found my new fun passion and that is travelling. In May, Dan took me to Antigua for 10 days. I love the sun and the ocean. I have been to 3 new places on my passport so far: St. Lucia, Bahamas and Antigua...and in September we are going to HAWAII!!!!!! I've always wanted to go to Hawaii... ever since I was younger. I'm so excited!

Antigua was so much fun! We went on a speed boat tour around the whole island. We snorkelled with sting rays, saw an Eagle ray and a turtle. Floated around on my favorite raft "baby blue" that I still miss today. We saw this entertainer who danced and breathed fire. I thought that was so cool! I want to do that, I bet I could do that very well since I basically live in fire. I might as well get paid for it too! haha.. Maybe Ill do that for charity after my Ironman. :)

I love scuba diving and had a rather frightening experience in the water this time. We reached 60 feet under the water and all of a sudden, I was out of air ?? I looked at my gage and it said 0 !!! How can it be 0? I started out with 3000 ? i was totally confused and somewhat out of it because it had been at least 1 minute or so before I realized I was spasming for air. So I look for my buddy Dan, he was at least 10 feet or so below me and you can't just swim down without equalizing. By the time I reach Dan I was apparently stupid and instead of signalling him that i was out of air, I showed him my gage!!!!!!!!!!!!! He just tapped on it because he must of thought my gage was broken... duh. I then panicked and made the signal need air so he gave me his alternate regulator to share air and we ascended. Tiny the scuba guide must think im an idiot.. apparently I didnt turn my air all the way on!! and when we reached 60 feet i couldnt breathe out of it anymore. I didn't have air down there for 3 minutes and it was a long 3 minutes. What if I had passed out before I reached Dan? i am so thankful I used to be a swimmer and can hold my breath for a long time and that I am used to convulsing underwater without air, so it could have been worse? I remember thinking that I didnt come this far in life just to die now. I figured EM would kill me eventually or I would spontaneous combust because of the heat. I guess you never know when or how its going to happen. You never know when everything you love will be taken from you, so you might as well enjoy it while you have it and cherish it. Basically, to live like you are dying. So, you might see me in a race, or out there on vacation, sticking out my tongue, or acting silly, but I will be living and having the time of my life, and I wouldn't change this for anything. Yes, I may have EM, but I am way more alive than I used to be. :)

"Try as much as possible to be wholly alive, with all your might, and when you laugh, laugh like hell and when you get angry, get good and angry. Try to be alive. You will be dead soon enough.”

Things are only impossible until they are not

"To describe the agony of a marathon to someone who's never run it is like trying to explain color to someone who was born blind."

I woke up this morning from a really long sleep, still in amazement that i was able to finish the marathon! So many things went wrong, and yet i still managed the 26.2 miles. It all started on Wednesday night before we left for California. I don't know exactly what I did, but all of a sudden i had excruciating pain shooting down my left leg and up my spine. I couldnt even stand on my leg!/? and i couldnt walk and I was really worried. Partly because for me to feel pain it has to be bad and partly because the marathon was so close. Apparently I hurt my sciatic nerve and all night and the next day it ached and had to limp around. I went and got a sports/deep tissue massage to see if it helped and it did seem to help a little, but probably not enough to complete the race. It was scary to me that I was so close and might not be able to run. I hate quitting, I hate not finishing, and it doesn't matter if it is injury related, I DON'T LIKE IT. So we leave for CA, and I prayed and hoped it would get better. On Friday, we drive the course and maybe it wasnt a good idea, or maybe it was. Either way, IT WAS VERY HILLY and that 2 mile hill seemed to go on for miles. There were lots of other hills as well and it was disappointing because there were no place for spectators to watch and Dan couldnt come to the start with me either. It was going to be a very lonely run tomorrow I thought to myself.

I woke up sunday morning at 330 am to get ready for the race and i wondered if I was going to be strong enough today. I boarded the shuttle at 415 am and sat in the bus for the hour ride to the start. It was in the 40's that morning and i was in my shorts and tank top and sandals. I bought one of those race wraps for 5 bucks that was white and was a long sleeve wrappy thing that i figured i would throw away fairly quickly in the morning. We all get pushed onto the course and stood in line waiting to start. I was told the day before that we only had 6 hours to finish the race, and it was 6 hours from the gun start, not chip time...which was highly annoying to me being a slower runner. Last year I ran my marathon under 5 hours, and they said to add 30 minutes to your best run time because of the hard hilly course... so i was looking at close to the 6 hours with a hurt leg, and irritated sciatic nerve@!


Hills, hills, and more hills!

While I was waiting to start I heard lots of people commenting on my sandals as usual. Some called me stupid, some said i was brave, some were mean, and some were curious. I gladly shared my story with whoever I could. Finally the gun goes off and I start running. Supposedly the first 5 miles are the easiest. My body was having a hard time moving! I had horrible shin splints, Im assuming from standing there for so long in shorts. i also had a hard time running on all the twists and turns, the road was always at a slant and IT IS REALLY HARD TO RUN IN SANDALS ON A STEEP SLANT!!!!!!!!!!!! my feet were scraping the ground and my ankles were killing me... why oh why did i pick this hilly twisty turny race? I had a long time to think about that same question during the race. About 10 years ago, when i ran my first marathon, afterwards i decided to never run one again, haha...who knew? But back then when i was searching through the races, I stumbled on the big sur one. i don't know why i remembered that race, but I decided that I wanted to run that race because it was supposed to be the prettiest race in N. America. For some reason, it stuck in my head, and 10 years later, i signed up to do this race. i imagined a beautiful course, running over the bridgest, looking at the ocean... THEY SHOULD HAVE MENTIONED THE HARDEST COURSE AS WELL. I look at my watch at mile 2, 18 minutes, that is a 9 min mile pace which is a good start. Last year i ran that pace until mile 12 before I bonked, so i vowed to fuel myself better this time... mile 3, I was slowing down and my sciatic nerve was starting to fire. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO? HOW THE HELL AM I GOING TO FINISH 26 MILES WHEN IM IN PAIN AT MILE 3? it gets worse mile 4, and mile 5 I almost quit. I could only run/shuffle for a few minutes before having to walk. It seemed grim and hopeless. I didn't come this far to quit at mile 5! I started to tear up as I realized I couldn't finish. Why must I always have to run with so much pain? Why do I insist on doing this to myself when it hurts so much/ Determintation and inner strength can only go so far when the body is not able. I made a choice. Ill be damned if i quit now... i vowed to make it up hurricane point..the 2 mile uphill climb at mile 10. If i could make it up that, i could at least say I tried. Now the problem was, how do i make it to mile 10 when I'm only at mile 5 with pain?? So, I tried different running styles, I tried swinging my hips and overexaggerating my hips and for some reason, it helped? so for the next few miles I run up hills, past cows that made me feel like I was NE again, and walked occasionally to rest my leg. Once we got by the ocean on highway 1, the wind picked up like crazy, and of course, IT WAS AGAINST US. Im sure i looked odd running like i did, but i always look odd running anyways. Mile 8 and then mile 9, and then I start running down the hill that precedes the dreaded 2 mile hill. I look up as i start the hill, and for some reason, it wasnt so bad. I guess if i can run with the sciatic nerve pain, and em pain, that the hill pain didnt phase me. I get to mile 11 and I was getting tired..the wind was picking up and getting stronger as I got closer to the top. No wonder they call it hurricane point.. at one point, i was leaning into the wind, laughing, because it seemed like i was getting pushed backwards.. YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME.. it was funny. I finally got to the top. I saw people running with others getting their picture taken, celebrating together, and at that point, I felt so alone. No one to share this experience, no loved ones able to watch, just me, alone and in horrible pain like normal. I keep running. Ok, I made it halfway, time to reassess. I looked at my watch...if i do make it, its going to be close to the 6 hours. THe rules of the course were that if you didnt make it to mile 22 by 5 hours, they would pull you off the course in buses. And if you didn't finish by 6, the same , and you couldn't finish officially. I'm super glad I had a Garmin Forerunner on that i borrowed. It tells you the pace you are running/walking at. I was starting to feel the effects of running differently in my hips and the nerve was shooting fire up and down both legs and spine. I was really amazed i was still running at all. Mile 15, mile 16, mile 17... it was taking forever, and the pain was building. I finally hit mile 20... only 6 more to go. i knew it was going to take everythiing to make it in under 6 hours. I hit mile 22 at 4:48 or so... just barely under the cut off. i saw the buses ready . All i knew is that i didnt want to be on that bus. i was shuffling/walking/running at this point.

"Do you think when an animals are being chased by something when it gets a tired it stops. Hell no. Be that dumb animal when you run and don't stop until you've crossed the finish line."

Each mile seemed to take FOREVER. At mile 24, I saw Dan. It made me cry... he must have walked down from the finish. They werent supposed to let people...only let them walk a little bit from the finish. BUt i guess it didnt matter for the slow runners like me. He walks with me a bit, motivating me to finish... i look at my watch. Im 1.2 miles from the finish and i only have less than 15 min. It might seem easy for a normal runner, a fast runner, but for me, with the pain at its highest... it seemed mean. But, i started running. I felt like forrest gump, but they were yelling... RUN FOREST GIMP RUN... so i was runnan... and i managed a 11 min mile pace that last bit. Dont ask me how, or where that came from. But, I FINISHED!!!!!!!!!!!!!! one of the hardest race yet, and i finished?? I still cant believe it! WOOHOOOOOOO!!!! 5:56... haha. Nothing like cutting it close!

i met some cool people on the run. At mile 20, I ran a bit with , who had just did Ironman china the week before. He might know pain at this point, because i can only imagine me not being able to walk for a week after the IM let alone running a marathon. He said he recognized me from TV, ESPN. Another runner recognized me from the Florida championship on NBC. It made me happy that people watched the shows and actually remembered me! Maybe on my wild adventures I can help someone and perhaps find a cure by the right person reading my story.

Anyway, i walked through the finishers tent, got my cool medal, and my free beer. I didn't really drink it because it sounded gross, but i figured i'd get one for kicks. all i wanted was the chocolate chip cookie in the car waiting for me. YUM! When i sat down in the car.... i felt relief. FINALLY AFTER 6 HOURS ... That shower felt awesome! I looked down at my feet and saw the huge blister on my right foot. Hmmmmmm... that is going to feel good in the morning! just like last year, i had a hard time sitting down, and standing up, and basically walking.

"Marathoning is like cutting yourself unexpectedly. You dip into the pain so gradually that the damage is done before you are aware of it. Unfortunately, when awareness comes, it is excruciating."

We drove to san fran to go sight seeing. We went to the Irish bar right next to the hotel and i got my traditional BIG JUICY CHEESEBURGER! and a sundae from Ghiradelli Square...YUMmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!

We went to alcatraz, golden gate bridge, and bus tours. It was very hilly there too! I'm tired of hills!!!!!!! But i got to ride on the trolley up the huge alcatraz hill...haha Dan

the next 2 days we went sight seeing around San fran. I couldnt barely walk, so i hobbled and my huge blister became a huge blood blister, and that hurt so bad to even walk on it. I guess thats the price to pay. It still hurts today, but San Fran was cool.

but strangely enough, this motivates me for the IM in November. I'm going to train really hard, especially on the bike. Because its going to take a miracle to do a marathon after 112 miles. But, if i could finish that marathon with all that pain, and actually hobble over the finish when i thought it was impossible to finish... maybe just maybe, i can do an ironman.

"What is it? A different way of seeing things? An obsession with form, technique, and precision? Is it power, pure and simple? What is it that makes a champion? Maybe, it's just the absolute refusal to be anything but."

What should I be but just what I am

MARATHON IN A FEW DAYS!!!!!!!!!! YIKES

It has been 1 year since my last marathon and frankly...I didn't plan on racing a marathon again. I had planned on doing my Ironman last year then moving on to another, different sort of race. But here I am full circle, doing one again. They say that

"You have to forget your last marathon before you try another. Your mind can't know what's coming."

The problem is, I haven't forgotten, I can never forget that horrible additional pain. I still have nightmares about it, and dreams of so much more pain than I am already in, getting so much worse that I just burst into flames one day, or go crazy and can't handle it anymore. But here I go again... knowing how bad its going to hurt, knowing how hard I'm going to have to push myself just to be able to finish. I will admit it scares me! But, if I let pain win...even just 1 time, and not do a race in fear of the pain, then it will keep on winning and I will not accomplish anything. I will just go back to laying in bed and screaming....and that sounds so much worse!!!!!!! I have to focus on why I am doing this ...and I'm doing this not only for me, but for all EM sufferers out there... maybe in one of these crazy races, I will get attention to the right person who can find a cure. maybe I can inspire one other person to do something they are afraid of. Who knows? All I know is that I will not let the fear of pain win.

You can’t fear pain. Pain is to be expected. It is not a bad or negative thing. You almost need to embrace it, and then learn to deal with the feeling.

ok so Big Sur marathon here i come!!! I signed up for this race, partly because before I was diagnosed with EM, I looked through a marathon book and decided someday I would do the Big Sur marathon..the book said it was one of the prettiest race in the US and for some reason I wanted to do that one. I didn't know at the time, that I had put it on my pre sick "list" , and now it is my mission to do all the things on that list even with EM. Its kinda funny that I chose this race.... ITS SUPER HILLY!!!!!!!!the book should of said it may be the prettiest but its also the hilliest! Mile 11 to mile 13 or so...IS A 2 MILE HILL... the race directors say there are 4 false summits that you hit and think you are done, but youre not.. haha... its kind of like my life. :) Just when you think the pain is so bad and couldn't get any worse...IT CAN! :) oh well, i am trying to think of it as just a hill.. its not impossible, just slower. I will do the best I can and hope i can make it up that hill. People without EM just can't comprehend what this means... It hurts to walk up a hill, climb stairs, anything that burns the legs and pools all the blood in the legs, takes away O2 and blood from the brain/heart/lungs...and literally feels like i'm dying...and now i can enjoy this MARATHON ON SUPER BIG HILLS... am i crazy??????????? I must be... I must of picked this race to torture myself, or maybe scare EM into submission.. haha

they say that the pretty parts of the course will distract you from the pain of running the hills... haha... i'm sure i will be cursing at the pretty parts when i get there. :P at least i will have Dan to cheer me on at the finish. It is really lonely during the race and know there isn't anyone to see you. It is always nice during the half ironmans, to see him cheering me on mid race. It makes me less lonely, to focus on finishing instead of the pain. But the way the course is set up, I will probably not see him to the finish. so it might be 5+ hours of horrible pain all by myself. I don't have the ESPN crew talking to me, making me laugh, etc. It will just be me, and the pain. May the running gods have mercy on me. Hopefully it will be a sunny cool day, with no pouring rain and ice like last year. all i can ask of myself is to do the best I can. So ready or not, here i come. And maybe, just maybe, if i can finish this race, I can make a difference.

Henceforth, I whimper no more, postpone no more, need nothing. Strong and content, I travel the open HILLY 26.2 mile road.

"[Scientific testing] can't determine how the mind will tolerate pain in a race. Sometimes, I say, "Today I can die.'"

NBC !! etc...

Hi Everyone,

I know it has been a while since posting a blog...but i needed a break and was a little lost on what to do next. I took some time to myself, and took some fantastic vacations with Dan. I just figured what I wanted to do would come to me... and it did.

First of all:

I will be in the NBC broadcast of Ironman World Championship 70.3 NBC Sunday
April 12, 2009, 4:30 - 6:00 p.m. EST

Then April 26, I will be running the Big Sur Marathon in California. I didn't think i would want to run or feel the need to run another marathon. Been there, done that! But, since I will be attempting the Ironman Florida in November 2009, I felt I should do another one. The big sur race is supposed to be one of the prettiest marathons in the US because you run on the ocean and across bridges and stuff... maybe it will be a distraction from the pain? especially since I dont have the ESPN crew following me around keeping me entertained. And Dan has never been to San Francisco before so we will go there after the race... This way Dan can see where I escaped from Alcatraz a long time ago. haha :P

SO, what have I been up to these past few months?? I have been putting together my bucket list... to be listed in a later post.

In December, Dan took me to St. Lucia for 10 days. It is part of my bucket list to go to all of the Caribbean Islands and sunny beach places :). So, I had to get my passport for the first time! :) I loved it there...I wanted to stay there! We stayed at the Sandals Resort, which I highly recommend! Also, I got certified as a Scuba Diver! There was speculation on whether or not I could even scuba dive because of EM and the blood vessels not working properly. The problem with Scuba is that you have to be able to equalize or it will cause permanent ear damage... so can someone with defective blood vessels equalize????? the answer is YES!!! I love scuba diving! I will add pictures soon. :) I felt at home in the ocean with the fish. And Dan loves scuba diving with me because I CANT TALK UNDER WATER...haha! Although, I did try and got very frustrated with stupid hand signals. It was also strange that I got very cold in the water! maybe because im usually so hot?? Anyhoo, I loved it there! One of the best times in my life.

Then in January we went to the Bahamas for a short 4 night trip where we stayed at the Riu. Bahamas was more like Florida, but I think i didnt like it as much because it was too short! :P
We went Scuba diving there too but the water was way colder, probably because it was January! And there was no Southern Comfort there which was highly upsetting...haha so we drank Blue Ocean instead and that was quite nice! and it turns your tongue blue.. so that is 2 islands down, lots more to go!

to be cont....

Sports Illustrated!!

Check me out online and on newstands Dec. 1,

http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/scorecard/faces/2008/12/01/


"Live life fully while you're here. Experience everything. Take care of yourself and your friends. Have fun, be crazy, be weird. Go out and screw up! You're going to anyway, so you might as well enjoy the process. Take the opportunity to learn from your mistakes: find the cause of your problem and eliminate it. Don't try to be perfect; just be an excellent example of being human."

World Championship Ironman 70.3 FINISHER!!! :)

"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all.






Yes, that would be me... the EM girl in sandals, with a broken foot, finishing the Foster Grant IRONMAN World Championship 70.3 !!! I finished in 6:25 ! Started 35 minutes behind the pros, and was 25 minutes slower than Rhode Island..... But to tell you the truth, I was surprised I even finished the run with a broken foot! I was second to last in my age group, but hey, someone has to finish last... might as well be me! I kind of figured that much because I was the only one in my age group to not "qualify" for the race, so I was racing against the best of the best! :) I did the best I could, and the run was extra painful this time, BUT I LOVE FLORIDA!! Wish I could come back again next year, but what chance do I have to qualify?

We arrive in Florida on Thursday, we rented a car and stayed at the Host Hotel in Clearwater. That turns out to be great because the start and finish, expo, and media interviews were all held there!!! The beaches in Clearwater were gorgeous.. white sand, clean, crystal waters. Much better than swimming in the Ohio River, or the Hudson!!!! ew!


Thursday night I had an interview for the Official NBC broadcast of the event.. and guess who were the camera men??????????????????????? THE TEXAS CREW THAT FILMED FOR ESPN !!! I LOVE THOSE GUYS! Jeff, Chris, and Terry were all there and it was great to see them again! They also followed me around the race on a motorcycle part of the way, and it was a great deja vu for me. Hope to see them at some other race in the future! :) You guys still rock! Can't wait to tell Scott from ESPN.


Friday night I had an interview for the Ironman 70.3 news crew to be shown locally and in Omaha, and New York. Genevieve was awesome! Made me feel less nervous! :) I did stumble my lines a little when asked to say: "Foster Grant Ironman World Championship 70.3" .. felt like a girl on Americas Next Top Model that can't her lines down, and they say cut, and take 53 or something.. haha Genevieve and her colleague Lisa have also been pitching my story elsewhere... I MIGHT BE IN SPORTS ILLUSTRATED!!! AND RUNNERS WORLD!!! How cool would that be?? Any chance to raise awareness for EM is awesome! :)



Thanks everyone for giving me these great opportunities!!!

Back to the race... Saturday morning I get to the start and Im pretty nervous right now partly because of the anticipation of pain... partly because I'm racing with the best!

Something funny, I was supposed to race with a baby blue race swim cap, but since I was being followed by media, they gave me an orange swim cap so they can follow me with a helicopter...haha and my bike was racked next to other media and pros!!! haha :)














I stand there at the start line, happy to be there, and excited to be a part of the race. We start the race, and I go into the water, scared I was going to have a choking fit like I always have had in the past cold ocean swims... but I finally found the trick! use a longjohn wetsuit instead of a full one. The full one makes my body hot, and the shock of the cold water on my face and lungs makes it constrict and I cant breathe because I can't handle the change in temperature... but with the sleeveless wetsuit, it made my arms chilly and it wasnt such a shock of temperature!! :) :) yay! I had a good swim and hoped it was a sign of a good race to come. :)











































The bike was interesting to me! So many cheaters!!!!!!!!!!!! There were groups of peletons left and right passing me and annoying me. Supposedly its a draft illegal race, but it seemed there were only a couple of us not in a group of 15-20! ???? There were penalty tents with no one in them, and no one seemed to pay any attention to the rules. Is it common knowledge that they dont care about drafting?? Maybe I should have jumped on with them and gone faster. I could have gone faster drafting with 10 others... ??? BUT HOW CAN THEY CONVINCE THEMSELVES THEY ARE NOT CHEATERS? What do they tell themselves? Anyway, I could have gone faster, but I did it all on my own, and I got a flat tire!!!!! So not fair! I am rubbish at changing them, especially the zipp wheels... I think maybe I dont have the finger, wrist, strength and dexterity? I was glad to get off my bike anyway...tired of being blown by. I saw Dan at the end of the bike, and that made me happy to see a friendly face before I start the dreaded run . I kept telling myself that it is just pain, and the extra pain from the broken foot wouldnt be that bad in comparison. ? haha



So, as I go into transition they had a camera following me through, and then as I ran out there was the crew on the motorcycle ( pic above)... it made me happy to see them again. My foot hurt but I hobbled on and managed to run, although i had horrible stomach cramps... after 6 miles, my left leg, hamstring and glute started to seize up.. Must be because I was favoring my right foot.. The cramps in my legs were bad, and caused knee pain, but I just kept on moving. I didn't have any expectations of getting a PR, so I just did the best I could. Thank you to the anonymous people who put messages on the digital screen when you ran by. I don't now who did it, but it was nice to see it! The first time through, it said " You are a winner," and the second time through it said "You're awesome".. haha :) I think its a cool idea to let people leave you messages..makes the run less lonely. Back in the pack was lonely on this race, but at least it was Florida! One girl said to me... "the longer you are out here, the better tan you get"... haha! Don't now if I agree because my trisuit leaves a nasty tan line. :P One camera guy asked me why am I still smiling... and i replied in Kate fashion:

"I am trying to make my smile muscles hurt as much as the rest of me! " :)

So as I run in to the finish, I tear up because I am finishing when I wasnt sure I would... and I was finishing a World Championship! :)




I still can't believe I was there! We stayed a few days extra to soak up some sun and get a tan and went to the Number one beach in the U.S.... I love the sun and didnt want to come back to the cold and dreary...not to mention reality. :)


"Courage, it would seem, is nothing less than the power to overcome danger, misfortune, fear, injustice, while continuing to affirm inwardly that life with all its sorrows is good; that everything is meaningful even if in a sense beyond our understanding; and that there is always tomorrow."

and you might come out finishing a World Championship!!!! haha

NBC !! and other news :)

"Give light, and the darkness will disappear of itself."

I received an email from the NBC producer of the World Championship broadcast, and he wants to interview me for the show!! How cool is that? So Thursday afternoon I have an interview with them and Im so excited about it! NBC!!!!!!!!

I also have the local media Inspiring Athletes interview Friday morning for local news and Omaha local news! I'm actually on the Ironman website! :

http://ironman.com/events/ironman70.3/worldchampionship70.3/clearwater2008/foster-grant-ironman-world-championship-70.3-inspiring-athletes.

So here I go, testing myself again, embracing my pain and try to make it work for me in the race. Hope and pray that I can finish, that I will be able to stand the pain again, hope that I can do the best I can. Life is funny to me.... I seem to either be in extreme misery, or extreme happiness... and all these good things that are happening to me, all the help I am doing for my disorder, all the friends I have met with EM, I get another chance to help... maybe in my small way I will help find a cure, help people live with this extreme pain, help them to not give up even though it seems there is no hope. But I cant help that fear that its all going to come crashing down... It seems that this is my path.. that it is possible to leave your mark on the world, no matter how small it is... one person can make a difference! It is a domino effect, like the pay it forward principle.. turn your path to helping people with a positive attitude, and then positive things will happen to you. Look at what is happening to me?? It still blows me away.. so look for me at the race, I may come in last place, but I will be smiling. :)

“Live. More than your neighbors. Unleash yourself upon the world and go places. Go now. Giggle. No. Laugh. And bark at the moon like the wild dog that you are. Understand that this is not a dress rehearsal. This is it. Your life. Face your fears and live your dreams and take it all in. Yes, every chance you get. Come close. And by all means, whatever you do, get it on film.”

Defying Gravity

"Something has changed within me

Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes and leap"

In one week and a day I head to Clearwater Florida for the World Championship... still can't believe Im going!! Am I ready? Not exactly...I have a stress fracture in my right foot that hurts to run but Im still going to attempt it. I just got an email from the media rep and they want me to do a 10 minute interview on Friday that they will show pre and post race on tv!!! Another amazing opportunity to raise awareness for EM! I will do my best and hope it reaches lots of people. I can't believe I am getting another chance! :) I would have to admit that I'm scared to race at the World Championship among the top triathletes in the world. There is a very good chance that I might come in last. But does that really matter? Before I got sick I hated to lose.. always wanted to be faster and better. But what is the definition of "losing" or coming in "last"? Just by being at the race I am a winner... a fast person actually said to me that only losers would say that... and that the only thing that matters is first place, the rest are losers, haha... But he has a lot to learn. Some day he will get older and slower and not win anymore...Maybe he will get injured, or sick like me... what then? Not everyone can win races, not everyone has the genetics to be super fast and not have to fight to even be able to compete. All I want is the chance to compete, and to have fun with it... if its no longer fun, then why do it? So even if I cross last, I will do my best to have fun and enjoy the experience.. I am actually going to race at a World Championship??? Who knew??? haha...

On a different note, Dan surprised with me with Wicked Tickets for our 6 months!!! It was a complete surprise and it takes a lot to surprise me without me figuring it out...haha. Anyways there were several parts of the show that I loved...if you dont want to know bits of the show dont read this paragraph and skip to the next one.. :) When Alpheba the supposed wicked witch used her magic to help her sister in the wheelchair walk again... it brought me back to when I was in bed and got back out of bed and started to get my life back. Maybe some magic was used on me? Sometimes I feel like the outcast where lots of people don't understand me and my disorder, and try to dismiss my pain... I loved the movie because the Wicked witch wasnt actually wicked, but she stood up for what she believed in !! I loved the Defying Gravity song that I have quoted in this blog... and my favorite song,

"I'm not that girl" which seems to define my life, where the guy I love usually loves another girl.

"Ev'ry so often we long to steal To the land of what-might-have-been But that doesn't soften the ache we feel When reality sets back in ...Don't dream too far, Don't lose sight of who you are, Don't remember that rush of joy, He could be that boy, I'm not that girl"

Sometimes after I go after a dream or pretend I'm girl without EM, I am brought back down to reality... Some dreams may be out of reach for me... but doesnt mean I cant try... ? Why can't I get the happily ever after dream? Just because I have lofty dreams of being pain free or perhaps unrealistic dreams of a happy ending, doesn't mean it doesn't hurt to not be able to reach them.

For Halloween, I had planned on being a Firewoman... putting out fires because I thought that would be appropriate...the problem is, I shopped for it on Halloween Day... haha! I couldn't find the fire extinguished part of the costume... maybe that is ironic and appropriate!! I so far make a lousy fire extinguisher girl... so, instead I embraced my fire and became the fire starter. Made my own costume and I was unique! There was no one else like me in the loads of people we saw on Halloween!!! :) We went to the Halloween Parade which was crazy packed but fun!!

"I'm through accepting limits

'Cuz someone says they're so

Some things I cannot change

But 'till I try, I'll never know

Too long I've been afraid of Losing love -

I guess I have lost

Well, if that's love

It comes at much too high a cost"

THE INVISIBLE HUMAN TORCH

"Life is like a snake crawling out of its own dead skin."

I have been invited to the Ford World Ironman 70.3 in Clearwater Florida on November 8th!!!!!!!! I would be racing the best of the best because normally the only way to go is to qualify by winning a race. It is a once in a lifetime opportunity for me! I would give me another chance to tell my story and raise awareness for EM! Now here is the kicker, I need to raise some money to be able to go! Does anyone have any ideas on how ? Or any suggestions? I guess if it is meant to be, there will be a way.

I have received a lot of emails from EM sufferers curious in my qwest to battle the heat in bikram yoga. So it has been 10 days for me. Have I gotten any better at dealing with the extreme heat?? Not yet, every class makes me either want to pass out, puke, or bursting into a huge fireball! IT IS SO HOT AND IT HURTS SO BAD. Do you know how hard it is to relax enough to do a yoga pose in heat? I just want to run away instead of hold these positions.. so why you ask me? Because I can! I have gotten better at some of the poses... I feel amazing when I am done, partly because of the inner strength it takes to even do yoga in a 110- 120 degree room for 90 minutes... I can feel a difference in my body, in my posture, in my flexibility. It will be a slow process, but Im still trying. I have gotten a little better at breathing through my nose like Im supposed to and not hypervenililate! I am happy with my progress so far, and will see if I have any more improvements by the end of 30 days. I have been taking my temperature before and after class to see. Before class, my average temperature is 96 degrees - 97... which is my normal body temperature. 10 min after class, my temperature has been averaging 102 !!!!!!!! The third day when I actually did puke , it was 103.5! I do my best to take the temperature at the same time before and after but I have no idea if the normal persons temperature rises 6 degrees. So, my whole plan is to see if my temperature after 30 days will rise less or not. The first week it was closer to 102, or mid 102s, this week was lower 102 and actually had 1 das of 101. I doubt this is healthy for me to have my temperature rise so high, but I have increased my water, and feel great an hour or so after class. Can I get used to this???? I have noticed a difference in my perception of how hot I am... haha... I'm not going to lie though, it hurts! But I am determined to do my own trials of battling the heat. They have a 30 day consecutive challenge that I want to build up to and do! I may be crazy, but I want to try... :) I feel like I can breathe fire now... but if I can do this, maybe it will lead to a more official trial or doctor trial, or maybe it will just be a personal gain for myself. But, I refuse to let EM dictate my life for me...I dont want to be afraid of heat anymore... So turn up the heat baby! Its time to burn!! I must be insane!

“A fire-breathing dragon lives in my garage and she is invisible.”

________________________________________________________________

MISSION IMPOSSIBLE!

"No wonder experience is the best teacher. It has to teach us things we don’t want to learn. "

If you havent seen my ESPN piece online, please look it up and vote on it!! The more people that vote and give it a high rating ( dont vote if you dont like it please ....haha) the more people will watch it and maybe we can get it on the highest voted ones, with all the football stories on there... Lets puts something different on that list! Vote! Its free! :)

I am sorry for my delay in blogging and responding to everyone. I have received 345 emails now and I am trying to answer them all! Those of you who have responded, thank you. It made the whole Ironman experience easier to deal with and to find myself again. I will admit I was lost for a bit. I felt this insane need to attempt another Ironman right away. I was panicky, ancy, and slightly depressed. Here is something I have been striving for for 5 years plus, and now it is over and I didn't achieve it. For a bit, it was the only thing keeping me alive. So I freaked and started searching for a race, anything, to make me feel like me again. But in the madness, I found peace. I really just took some deep deep breaths and let myself feel all the emotions and not make any plans. I realized why I was so panicked...I had to look at the future! frankly, it is scary to imagine myself growing old with this pain. What next? I asked myself.

and here is what I came up with. I might be a bit masochistic in my goals, but I always strive to better myself and take on any challenge that scares the crap out of me!!!

1. Learn more about EM and sodium loss. It was one of the biggest reasons why I didnt finish. I have to take in way more sodium than the average person, so I need to practice.

2. Attack my biggest demon: HEAT. I decided on Bikram Yoga which is practiced in 110 degree room for 90 minutes!!! I am going to do it for 30 days to see if I can build up my heat/pain tolerance, or if I am just rubbish at heat and no way to make it better. I am on day number 2!! The first day I thought I was going to catch on fire. It was the Ironman deja vu, where I didnt know if I was going to puke or pass out. It was so hard to breathe and to stay upright. I could feel every cell in my body wanted to explode and/or run out of the room.... but when I was done, I felt soooooooooooooo good. day number 2 was just as bad!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have 10 panick attacks or so in those 90 minutes, and it is really hard to stretch and relax against being burned alive. The instructor said, Kate, relax your face, relax your body, let out all the tension... !!! You try jumping into a fire pit, and relax your face muscles!!! haha... I am determined to finish this experiment. Can a girl with EM, win against the fire demon...

3. Conquer the stairs and climbing hill issue... Climbing stairs for me is horrible!! it as just as bad as climbing a hill on my bike. My body just can't seem to handle it! Dan lives on the 14th floor in his building, so once a day, Im going to climb those flights to see if I can lower my time, and build up the burning stair tolerance.

4. Relax with the Ironman. Choose one in 2009 so you can learn more about your body and what extra it will take. I am thinking about Ironman UK because it is cool... :) and or if I can get in, Ironman Florida, Ironman Arizona... and if I get extremely lucky, win the lotto and go to Ironman Kona.. haha.. I will be an Ironwoman some day.... but I am ok with myself as I am, and where I am now. :)

on my list of goals:
a. Escape from Alcatraz triathlon... haha
b. Empire State building race where you climb 35 floors or so.
c. IRONMAN!! of course
d. some long ocean swim
e. Xterra triathlon

still building the list... if you have any challenging and weird races to suggest, Im all ears!

I am so glad to be me again! The happy, determined, hopeful girl ready to tackle the world!!

"Blessings are placed within our reach, but they are not placed within our hands. "

ESPN VIDEO!

http://sports.espn.go.com/broadband/video/videopage?videoId=3569726

check out my espn feature online!!!

:)

"Today I gave it my all.... and what I would have kept, I lost forever."

I have so much to say, and so many amazing responses from people who have sent me a message after seeing ESPN feature. I will respond to all of you and talk more about my journey when I arrive home later. Just to read all the responses made me cry and wish I could have finished. But nothing is ever promised to you... just because you want something so bad, doesn't make it automatically happen! You have to try and keep trying to achieve your goals... its never easy, and if it is, its not worth as much as if you really have to suffer to get something. And I live to fight another day. I still haven't given up, and will never surrender. Maybe someday soon I will be an Ironwoman, and maybe I will never be able to... but what matters most, is that I tried and I know I tried my best and thats all counts.

"Better to aspire to Greatness and fail, than to not challenge one's self at all, and succeed."

What do you do when you give it your all, and its not enough? If someone could have finished on pure determination alone it would have been me.

I pleaded, begged, yelled at, cursed, consoled, soothed, negotiated, and tried so hard to beat my body into submission. WHY????????? WHY CANT YOU STOP CRAMPING UP, WHY CAN'T YOU JUST DO THIS? PLEASE GOD PLEASE I WANT TO FINISH. I ran into problems at mile 50 on the bike. With the extreme heat, I lost all my salt... I was covered in white salt crystals and there was no way for my EM body to replace the salt no matter how much I took in. My whole body went into a huge charlie horse cramp... I got to a point where I couldn't even climb a hill because it would cause so much cramping. I hallucinated, I cried, and I kept going. The medical car stopped to see if I was ok, and every time I passed an ambulance I wanted so bad to stop. I saw so many people stopping that couldn't go anymore and they were normal!! I just couldn't go anymore. I thought I was dying on the bike. It was so hot and I could feel myself cooking on the inside. And the way EM works, the hotter you get, the more heat you produce, and even hotter you get. I just have no way to cool myself down and the bike course was hilly! WHen you can't bike, you walk.. and embarrassing but I walked some of the hills... but I refused to quit! I wanted to, but I didnt know how? I am not a quitter, and I don't know how to be? I told myself if I puke, I would stop. I got so nauseated, and delirious, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't think straight...and I was sure I was going into heat stroke. At one point, I was shivering and shaking, I'm assuming from heat exhaustion... and then I stopped sweating. I hadn't peed since the start of the race, and all my dreams of finishing were slipping away. When plan A doesn't work, you move to plan B, and so on and so on until I got to the plan: DON'T DIE. As I bike into what seemed like my death in hell, the question I pondered was, is completing the ironman worth my life??? When I woke up that morning when I was going to kill myself, and decided to do the IM, I secretly planned on doing the IM or dying in it...that no matter what, I would finish. I thought that if I died in the IM, at least I died in battle and not by my own hand. But something has changed in me, I don't want to die anymore... But I still didn't know how to stop on the bike even though they said I should. I pedalled on, and coasted as much as I can, my legs were so painful cramping that I couldn't pedal... I went from 19 mph, and down and down until 10 mph..!!! I got hit by a SUV's side view mirror while it was going at least 40ish and it smacked into my kidneys.... and it all went downhill from there, I also managed to get hit by another cyclist when I had been stopped on the side of the road for 5 min!!! Still dont know how that happened, but with the heat, it didn't surprise me. I reached mile 70 and I didn't think I could finish. The devil is laughing at me somewhere... that I even dared to try this IM in Kentucky in AUGUST@! Not to mention I had severe food poisoning at the beginning of the week and couldn't keep any liquids down, or food! THat couldn't have helped my IM situation. I pedalled on, and slowly as anything I had in me was leaving... It took everything I had, all my body had, all my determination, guts, anger, tried to finish... I just have to finish the bike... I AM NOT A QUITTER! But I wanted to prove them all wrong... I can't take it if they are right... and by some miracle, I strolled in on my bike at mile 112.... went into the changing tent.... and then the medical tent. They shoved potato chips and gatorade in me and said if I can get some salt maybe I can finish. We had a 17 hour + cutoff time so maybe if I can run I can finish. I stayed in the medical tent for 45 minutes before I finally stopped cramping enough to walk. SO I walked, and Dan was even willing to walk it with me!!!! More on that later. :) I tried, against all medical odds, against all of my body's tiredness, I looked at my watch, 20 min mile walk pace is not enough to make cutoff.... tried to run, wasn't going to happen, kept trying, kept trying.... at mile 6 on the run, my body had enough. I puked, and hallucinated again and saw a rabbit wiggle its ears at me, and I almost passed out. Saw the pretty stars and the tunnel and for a split second, thought I was dying and crossing over to the other side... and then the calm. I gave it everything I had, but it wasn't enough. There was no way for me to make the cutoff time... and I knew I couldn't do another step. I cried knowing I will have a DNF next to my name, but............. I do not have a DNF on my gravestone!

If you never try, you will never know how far you can go. Just because I didn't finish, doesn't mean I cant do an IM, just means if there is a next one I will do a cool weather one. But, maybe my body can't do one... BUT I TRIED. I WAS SO BRAVE to even step on that start line, knowing the extreme pain I was in for, knowing how hot is was going to be, knowing I might not finish and would need a miracle. Some days, pro's can't finish, normal people dont finish, and today, I couldn't finish.. but look at how far I had come!!!!

more pics to come..... this is me, wondering what the heck I was doing trying to an IRONMAN IN KENTUCKY IN AUGUST!!!!???????????????!????????? AT 5 ish in the morning, waiting for my doom...

will write more later.....tbc

Every man dies, but not every man truly lives

Do not be dismayed at how long the journey will take. Instead, be thankful and enthusiastic about the one particular step you can take right now.

This is my last post before the Ironman. Sometimes it feels like I should write this blog as a will. haha :) I had a dream that right before the finish line I caught on fire and died right before I crossed. Maybe in a sense the dream is true. Im not just doing this to finish the race, but to prove I am still alive. EM tried to take all my dreams away, and I want them back!

My ESPN feature is going to be shown this Sunday at 11 am and 11 pm and Monday Morning on regular ESPN sportscenter. Kind of fitting to show it during the race actually!! Hopefully I will finish in time to see the 11 pm showing. :)

"There will come a point in the race, when you alone will need to decide. You will need to make a choice. Do you really want it? You will need to decide."

I will admit it.... IM SCARED OUT OF MY MIND... the thought of the unbearable pain Im going to have to endure for up to 17 hours blows my mind. But really, what else is new? I'm in pain constantly, whats a little more?? So on Sunday, from time to time, think of me, and maybe the Ironman angels will look after me and help me along.

All I can do, is do my best.... and hope my best is good enough.

future Ironwoman,
Kate

What we have is based upon moment-to-moment choices of what we do. In each of those moments we choose.We either take a risk and move toward what we want, or we play it safe and choose comfort. Most of the people, most of the time, choose comfort. In the end, people either have excuses or experiences; reasons or results; buts or brilliance.They either have what they wanted or they have a detailed list of all the rational reasons why not.

5 days and counting!

"Excellence is trying more than others think is smart, risking more than others think is safe, dreaming more than others think is practical, and expecting more than what others think is possible."

Gasp! As I sit here, thinking, pondering, worrying, hoping... I decided to look up the water conditions of the IRONMAN in the Ohio River... How bad could it be? Its not the HUDSON !??

There have been reports of toxic algea, huge man eating catfish, sewer runnoff, and pirannas !! ?? haha They just pulled out this catfish last weekend!!! :) I don't care about catfish, ride em cowgirl! Lots of this stuff is athletes trying to scare us and intimidate us... I'm not worried about the swim... as much as the run!

By TIM PARADIS, AP Business Writer, 25 August 2008 LOUISVILLE, KY - The US Department of Wildlife and Fisheries has recenty reported the Ohio River is now home to a dangerous non-indiginous species of piranha. It is believed that the piranha were dumped out of someone's home aquarium and rapidly reproduced in the warm waters of the Ohio River during the summer months.A piranha is a member of a family of omnivorous freshwater fish which normally live in South American rivers. They are known for their sharp teeth and an aggressive appetite for meat. However, despite the negative media publicity, piranhas are not generally violent and have been known to be domesticated in home and office fish tanks.

The recent findings pose a special concern for the Loisiville area of the Ohio River becuase of the upcoming Ford Ironman competition to be held there next Sunday where participants will swim 2.4 miles in the Ohio River.

haha yeah right!!!! I may be blonde, but not that naive...or am i?? doesn't matter!!! If a big catfish tries to swallow me, Ill ride it bareback to the end of the swim...i am not worried about the toxic scum, because my body is probably more toxic than it is!!! since we dont really know where the disorder comes from...maybe its a cure??? haha...and as far as the pirannas which looks to be a hoax anyways... im meaner than a piranna if it tries to get in my way...and its bite will probably tickle me... !!! It reminds of me when I was a young girl, my first open water swim in a lake, and when I dove in, there were lots of fish biting my toes and trying to tag along for the ride! Someone had thrown in pretzels in my lane and apparently my toes looked good! haha

another picture of me sick from before... but hopeful and serious in thought.... which isn't very often if you know me!! at least the serious part...haha :) I just got a bad case of food poisoning and spent most of the night throwing up!!! Not good for my Ironman! Hopefully, my fever, and pukey puke will go away soon! Still hopeful...

"Life is not a matter of being dealt good cards, but of being able to play a poor hand well. "

To Be or Not to Be...that is the question...

"Whenever you find the whole world against you, just turn around and lead the world."

I can't believe I have an IRONMAN in 11 days!!!???!!! There has been so many negative things in my life these past couple weeks that are trying to prevent me from doing the IRONMAN!! It makes me wonder if maybe it wasn't meant to be or something... and it even has me questioning if I can even do an IRONMAN. But then I think of all the crap I have been through over the past 5 years!!!

Barbara, who gives me those wonderful massages gave me this quote...

"Throw your heart over the fence..... and your horse will follow"..

which translates to... do the IRONMAN... and the solutions to your finances, negative problems will follow..
I have been waiting, training, hoping, dreaming for this ever since I first got diagnosed with EM! This is my chance to prove to everyone, my parents, the mayo doctors, my ex, the negative people in my life, and to all the people who told me it was impossible......and most of all .... to myself... that I can do it.... that I'm not a quitter! That I have literally been through hell and back and yet I'm still here. I AM A FIGHTER! EM may have taken so many things from me, but it can't take away ME... it can't kill my dreams! It can't have me..... I HAVE ERYTHROMELALGIA...BUT IT DOES NOT HAVE ME!!!


so when I approach that finish line... when all my struggles, hardships, pain, loss, despair, depression, hopelessness, and all my misery converge on that one line.... where that one line represents something so important to me.... life ... MY LIFE! I AM STILL ALIVE...AND I'M EXTRAORDINARY! I faced my fears, I conquered my demons, I am a winner... I may come in last place, but I'm so much more than that. I took something impossible and made it happen!!! This IRONMAN gave me my hope back, this IRONMAN gave me a reason to live and to help people... so when I cross that finish line... maybe just maybe.... I will be a normal girl...without EM, just trying to exist... to not be invisible...to not have an invisible disorder...to be loved for who I am, to be respected for doing something amazing, that maybe I will I will show people that I AM STILL HERE... and maybe... just maybe... I will be an IRONWOMAN ..... and someday if I ever have children, they will read my story and be proud...that I have a horrifying disorder that robs you of life...and yet show them how to live...to never give up, never stop hoping, and if you want something to go after it... no matter how impossible it may seem, you might surprise yourself. Its never to late to go after your dreams... ITS NEVER TOO LATE!!!

I am so much more than ERYTHROMELALGIA.... I AM SO MUCH MORE THAN THE EXCRUCIATING BURNING PAIN.... and I am proud to be me... and when I die, I will stand before my maker, proud, with no regrets...

I am Katherine A. Conklin, and I WAS HERE!!!!!!!!!!

"I will not last forever. But I am damn well going to know I have been here." George Sheehan.